Look Around
by mira1122
Summary: Following a tragic event, Yuki leaves Shuichi to heal the wounds of his painful past. While he's away, Shuichi finds comfort in the arms of another man. Will Yuki be able to overcome his past before Shuichi gives his heart to another lover?
1. Pain

Disclaimer: Gravitation and all its characters belong to Maki Murakami.

March 13

For the past several days, Yuki had been irritable – much more irritable than normal. Ever since he had regained the memory of that horrible day, he had been much angrier than usual. He couldn't understand what was happening to him. Lately he just had the uncontrollable urge to lash out at everyone – especially the people he cares for the most…

Yuki was in an especially bad mood this evening. He hadn't been able to write much more than a paragraph for the past several days. It was only a matter of time before his publisher began nagging him about his deadline. And to top it all off, he had let Shuichi talk him into going out for dinner. Now, even though it should be obvious that he wanted to be left alone, Shuichi refused to shut up.

"Sakano says this cd will go platinum for sure! What do you think Yuki?" As usual Shuichi was babbling nonstop about Bad Luck's latest CD. "Hey, Yuki! Are you listening to me?"

"For once, can't you just shut up?"

"Come on, Yuki, I've had a really great day! Can't you be happy for me just this once?"

"Why would I want to be happy about an annoying brat like you?"

Shuichi began to cry. "You're always so mean to me! You always ruin my good moods! Sometimes I wonder why I put up with you!"

Yuki knew he didn't mean it, but he still reacted angrily. Slamming on the brakes, he reached across Shuichi, and opened his door. "There's the door! Don't let it hit you on the ass on your way out!"

"Fine, if that's what you want!" Shuichi screeched as he jumped out. "Go to Hell!" Slamming the door, he began marching angrily down the deserted street. Smiling maliciously at him, Yuki drove away.

As he drove home, an uneasy feeling began to settle in his stomach. Suddenly it hit him! He passed a couple of thugs just a few blocks away from where Shuichi was walking. They reminded him of someone…

"NO!"

He hastily made a u-turn and sped back to the place Shuichi had gotten out of the car. He'd nearly gone back to the restaurant they had eaten at before he realized; that Shuichi and the thugs had disappeared! He pulled another u-turn and headed back. Scanning the neighborhood, Yuki looked for the most likely place they would have taken him. For the first time he realized that this was one of the worst neighborhoods in the city. _Why did I leave him here?_

A couple of blocks from where Shuichi had gotten out of the car, there were several abandoned buildings. They must be inside one of them. He parked the car and ran toward the nearest building. He could hear Shuichi's anguished cries for help, but he didn't know where they were. In vain, he searched the first building. Shuichi's cries were becoming weaker.

"Damn it! Hang on Shuichi!"

He entered the second building. Thankfully it had been completely gutted. He knew they weren't here. He couldn't hear Shuichi's cries anymore. _So help me I'm going to rip those fucking bastards apart! _He ran into the third building. Faintly he could hear Shuichi crying and begging them to stop. _This is all my fault!_ Yuki grabbed a two by four off the floor and began stalking his prey.

The one holding Shuichi down never saw it coming. Yuki hit him square on the side of the head with all of his strength. He smiled savagely when he heard the sound of the miscreant's cheek and jaw bones crunching. He slumped to the floor like a rag doll. The one violating Shuichi stared wide-eyed from his accomplice lying on the floor to the bloody two by four in Yuki's hand.

He began to back away. "W…Wait a minute! We were just trying to have some fun here. Weren't we kid?"

Shuichi moaned and curled into a ball. He'd been badly beaten and was bleeding profusely. _No, Shuichi not again!_ Yuki went after Shuichi's rapist in a rage. With cold calculation, he pounded the hell out of him. When he had assured himself that he'd broken enough of the degenerate's bones, he went back to Shuichi. A lump formed in Yuki's throat as he gently dressed Shuichi's injured body and gingerly picked him up. He wanted to say something to him, but there were simply no words to sufficiently describe the turmoil that was raging inside of him.

As he drove Shuichi to the hospital, he was assaulted by wave after wave of guilt. _I'm responsible for his suffering! I'm always responsible for his suffering!_ He looked over at Shuichi's battered face. _He doesn't deserve any of this! _Yuki's head was beginning to throb, and he knew it wouldn't be long before it developed into a monster of a migraine. By the time they reached the hospital, his headache had progressed from throbbing to pounding.

He carefully carried Shuichi into the emergency room. The nurse on duty took one look at his bloody, bruised body and immediately took him to the nearest examination room. Yuki was unceremoniously shoved in the direction of the waiting room. It seemed like such a cold, inhospitable place. Much like the person he had become. As he paced nervously in the waiting room, Yuki realized that he had to once and for all overcome the ghosts of his past. He knew he would never have any peace unless he could find a way to deal with all of his unresolved issues.

Yuki called Hiro to let him know what had happened, and then he went home. As he packed his bags, he decided to go to Europe. With his blond hair and fair complexion, he reasoned that he would be able to blend in pretty well there. He was also relatively unknown there as well which would make traveling incognito much easier. He had also read about a German psychiatrist who specializes in post-traumatic stress disorder. Perhaps with her help, Yuki hoped that he could finally exorcise the demons of his past.

March 14 – Shuichi Shindou's hospital room

I became aware of my pain before I had fully reached consciousness. There didn't seem to be a place on my body that didn't hurt. _Yuki, why did you drive away like that?_ I stifled a sob and moaned involuntarily as I felt a stabbing pain in my ribs.

"Shuichi, can you hear me?" Hiro asked his voice laced heavily with concern.

"Yuki, where's Yuki?" I mumbled as I struggled to open my eyes.

"H…he was exhausted…so I sent him home. Try not to worry about anything. Right now you need to rest."

"I'll try, but it hurts so much." Every breath I took sent waves of pain throughout my body.

"Isn't there something stronger you can give him for the pain?" I heard Hiro ask someone.

"We've already given him the largest dose a person of his body weight can handle. Once the medicine gets completely in his bloodstream, he will be able to rest comfortably."

_Yuki, why did you drive away…?_ I wondered as I drifted off to sleep…

As I walked angrily down the street, I watched in disbelief as Yuki drove away._ He's just going to go around the block and come back to pick me up. Surely he won't leave me in a place like this. _But he didn't come back for me. I watched in horror as the tail lights of his car became smaller and smaller until they disappeared altogether. I was just about to call Hiro on my cell phone when two rough-looking men emerged from the shadows.

The larger of the two walked up to me. "Just look at this sweet, young thing walking all alone! He looks kinda lonely." He tried to stroke my cheek.

I slapped his hand away. "Piss off and leave me alone!"

"You shouldn't act like that." The other one said. "It really turns him on!"

Suddenly, the big one grabbed a handful of my hair and began kissing me hard. The scent of cigarettes and cheap wine made me want to gag. I pushed against him with all of my strength, but it was useless. He was much too strong for me. In a final act of desperation, I drove my knee into his groin. I fell to the ground when he abruptly released me. As I was getting to my feet to run away, the other one kicked me in the ribs. The sound of my bones cracking reverberated through my head as the wind was knocked out of my lungs. As I fell to the ground, it felt like my body was being kicked and punched from every direction. I tried to curl in a ball to protect myself, but my body wouldn't obey my commands. Rough hands drug me through the darkness while I struggled to regain my breath.

"Somebody help me!" I yelled as they threw me to the ground…

I cried out in pain as my nightmare suddenly jarred me awake.

"Yuki, where's Yuki?" I whispered drowsily. With great difficulty, I opened my left eye. For some reason, my right eye refused to open. I looked around and realized that I was in the hospital and all alone. My nightmare, I realized in horror, had actually happened. Yuki left me in the worst neighborhood of the city. I'd been beaten and brutally raped. _But how did I get here? Who saved me?_

The door opened and a nurse entered my room. "Ah, you're awake. I'm just here to check on you." She took my temperature and my pulse. Then she checked my blood pressure. "On a scale of one to ten, with one being no pain and ten being excruciating pain, what number would accurately describe how you feel?"

I took a breath to answer her and winced from the effort.

"Should I take that as a ten?"

I gingerly nodded my head. She injected the medicine in my IV, and I drifted slowly back into oblivion.


	2. Abandonment

March 17 – Shuichi Shindou's Hospital room

Visiting hours were almost over and I was really beginning to get upset. I'd had several visitors today. My mother and sister stopped by this morning. K and Sakano had spent their lunch hour with me, and even Tohma and Suguru had come by for a few minutes on their way home from work, but the person I really wanted to see still hadn't come. I looked over at Hiro and noticed that he was fidgeting nervously in his chair.

"Have you seen Yuki? Is he still mad at me? Is that why he still hasn't come to see me?" The look on Hiro's face made my stomach twist into knots.

"I…I don't know how to tell you this." He began, but I wasn't ready to hear what I knew he was going to say.

"Hiro, the doctor told me I could go home tomorrow morning. Could you please convince Yuki to come with you when you pick me up? I really want to see him!"

He walked over to me and gently put his hand on my shoulder. "I'm sorry Shu. Yuki's gone and even Tohma doesn't know where he is."

"NO!" I wailed in agony. My ribs felt like they were going to explode, but I didn't care. "Why? How could he leave me like this? What did I do this time?" I wrapped my arms around my aching ribs and began bawling in earnest.

"Shuichi, please try to calm down! You're going to make your injuries worse!"

"Calm down! How am I supposed to calm down?" I howled mournfully. "I've got to find him! I can't let him leave me again! He can't just walk out on me like this!" I tried to get up, but Hiro wouldn't let me.

"What is going on in here?" The nurse asked as she burst into the room. "What do you think you're doing?" She spat at Hiro.

"I'm sorry." Hiro answered still struggling to keep me in the bed.

"Well 'I'm sorry' isn't going to keep him from hurting himself! Try to calm him down while I check with his doctor to see if I can give him a sedative."

"I don't want a sedative!" I wailed. "I want Yuki!" I wrapped my arms around my now throbbing ribs in resignation and curled into a ball. _Yuki, why do you keep hurting me like this?_

The nurse returned and injected the sedative into my arm. "Visiting hours have just ended." She informed Hiro. "But you can stay with him until he falls asleep." She looked at me and added, "please try to get some rest."

After she left, Hiro sat on my bed and tenderly put his arms around me. "Don't worry, Shu. There are a lot of people who love and support you. We'll help you get through this." He held me as I cried myself to sleep.

Later that night, a bizarre dream woke me up. I dreamt I was looking for Yuki in our apartment. I kept calling and searching for him. Every time I thought I was getting close to him, he seemed to vanish into thin air. Finally I entered a room I had never seen before, but for some reason I felt like I could find happiness there. Just when I had made the decision to stay in that room, I heard Yuki calling to me. But instead of running to him, I turned away. For the first time, I noticed there was someone in the room with me – someone I just couldn't leave…

I heard the nurse quietly enter my room to check on me. I didn't want to get another sedative, so I pretended to be asleep as she performed her duties. After she left, I wrapped my arms around my ribs and began to cry. Suddenly, I heard the door open.

"Are you in pain?"

I looked up in surprise. "Who are you?"

"My name is Kaemon. I was mopping the floor outside your room, and I heard you crying so I came in to check on you. Would you like me to ask the nurse to bring you some medicine for your pain?"

"There isn't any medicine that can make my pain go away." I answered in despair.

"I…I'm sorry." He said sincerely. There was something in the way he looked at me that made me feel like he knew what I was going through. "I guess I'd better get back to work."

Impulsively, I reached up and grabbed his arm. "Please stay with me for a little while. I don't want to be alone."

He pulled up a chair and sat down. "Do you want to talk about it, or do you just need me to sit here quietly until you go back to sleep?"

"My lover left me." I blurted out unexpectedly. I didn't know what made me do it, but I ended up telling Kaemon everything about my relationship with Yuki. I watched his face nervously. I was afraid he would be repulsed by our relationship, but throughout my explanation the look of genuine empathy never left his face. As I finished my sad story, he bit his lip and looked down suddenly as if he were struggling to keep from crying himself.

After a few moments, he looked at me intently and replied. "I understand what you are going through. Two years ago, my lover left me as well."

"Would you like to talk about it?" I asked tentatively.

"I…I've never been able to talk to anyone about it, but I shouldn't burden you with my problems."

"It's alright. You've been so kind to me. The least I can do is return the favor." I assured him warmly.

Kaemon began his story hesitantly as if the memories of his lover were difficult to revive. "Tomeo was my best friend all through high school, but during our senior year we began to grow closer. Actually, I had begun to fall in love with him much earlier, but I always was careful to keep my feelings to myself because I was sure he would hate me if he found out." When he talked about his love for Tomeo, I noticed an ethereal quality in Kaemon's face that made him absolutely breathtaking.

"During the winter holiday of our senior year, the girl I'd been going out with dumped me. I was only going out with her to keep people from finding out that I was in love with Tomeo. So to make my deception seem more believable, I was acting like I was really depressed. To help me get over my 'broken heart,' Tomeo invited me over to his house for the weekend while his parents were away. Somehow he had gotten a bottle of sake, and before long we had both gotten drunk. He made a snide remark about my ex-girlfriend and I pretended to get angry about it like I figured I should. He pushed me. I pushed him back, and before long we were wrestling with each other. Since I was stronger than Tomeo, I easily pinned him to the ground. He was so damn cute looking up at me with his angry defiant eyes. I couldn't keep myself from kissing him, but to my surprise, he kissed me back.

We both lost our virginity that night. I was sure, the next morning he would regret what he had done, but instead he confessed his love to me. I confessed my love for him, and we became inseparable from that time until the day of my high school graduation party. During the party, we thought we had slipped away from everyone unnoticed, but my mother saw us leave. She caught us making love in my bedroom. Of course our families were very upset by our 'unnatural' actions. Our parents got together and gave us an ultimatum: either we end our relationship and never see each other again, or we could stay together and be disowned by our families. I chose Tomeo over my family and was disowned. Tomeo chose his family. They immediately sent him off to college, and I never saw him again."

The tears were freely flowing from Kaemon's eyes. Moved by his story, I was crying too. I gently reached up and placed a comforting hand on his shoulder. Unable to contain the sorrow he'd held in for so long, he buried his face in my pillow and began crying uncontrollably. I wrapped my arm around his neck and laid my head next to his. A bond of friendship formed between the two of us that night as we cried ourselves to sleep mourning the loss of our lovers.


	3. Sorrow

March 18 – Dr. Schlucter's office Bonn, Germany

"Mr. Yuki it is nice to meet you. My name is Dr. Giselle Schlucter."As she cordially shook Yuki's hand, she noticed that he was extremely anxious. "I tend to be rather unorthodox in my methods. My colleagues have often criticized the way I run my practice, but that is of no concern to me. I've helped many clients learn to live with tragedies that most people couldn't conjure up in their worst nightmares. That is what gives me my motivation."

"Speaking of unorthodox methods," she continued. "I will not charge you for your first several sessions with me. Most of my clients are so psychologically scarred; they need to build a rapport with me before we can begin discussing their problems. I simply refuse to charge my clients for what will basically amount to a social visit. This helps put my clients at ease. Knowing that they are not being charged at first helps them to relax and makes it easier for us to get to know each other, in other words, they do not have to feel pressured into baring their soul before they are ready to do so. If my methods are acceptable to you, I would like to have the opportunity to help you as well."

"Y…yes, that would be acceptable." Yuki was shocked. This was not what he was expecting at all. He had been wary of this appointment for several days, but now he felt as if he could finally relax. He had walked into her office wondering what the hell he was thinking when he made this appointment. Maybe there was someone who could help him after all.

"I noticed from your paperwork that you are from Japan, and yet your English is flawless. Did you study in the United States or England?"

"I lived in New York when I was a child." He answered evasively. "How about you? Your English is impeccable as well."

"I studied English in elementary and secondary school, but I also attended Harvard University…"

Yuki slowly walked into his hotel room. His first session with Dr. Schlucter had gone much better than he'd imagined. He was a bit disappointed as well. He had hoped that she would give him some sedatives to help him sleep, but she refused. She had correctly guessed that he wanted them to avoid his dreams. She told him that right now he needed to experience his dreams. She believed that dreams were the body's method to sub-consciously sort out conflicts a person wasn't strong enough to handle in their consciousness. Therefore, anything that would hamper his dreams was off limits.

He collapsed on his bed in frustration. Although he was tired, he didn't want to sleep or rather to dream about that last horrible night with Shuichi again. The thought of witnessing that gut wrenching scene again was just too much for him to bear. He thought about turning on the television, but realized it was a useless gesture. There probably wouldn't be any programs in English, and he didn't know enough German to watch anything else. Against his wishes, Yuki drifted off into a fitful slumber…

Yuki quietly walked through the deserted building digging his fingernails into the two by four in his hand. He could hear Shuichi crying pitifully. It made his blood boil. Peering through the doorway, he was confronted with a hauntingly familiar sight. One of them was holding Shuichi's arms roughly over his head. The other one was violently thrusting himself into Shuichi's writhing body. The look on Shuichi's tear streaked face reminded him of…

"NO!" Yuki looked around the room in a daze. _Why is this happening to me? _He had spent nearly half of his life trying to forget his painful past. Just when he thought he had everything under control, a chance encounter threw him into the path of a hyperactive, annoying brat. _Why did I allow myself to get involved with someone like him?_ _He's the one that made me remember what I had desperately tried to forget. Now he was the one getting hurt by the person he loved._

"Damn it!" He got up and lit a cigarette. He didn't want to be involved with Shuichi Shindou anymore. He didn't want to be involved with anyone. He just wanted the nightmares and the headaches to go away.

March 18 – Hiroshi Nakano's apartment

I was grateful that Hiro had invited me to stay with him until I found myself an apartment. I just couldn't go back to our – to Yuki's apartment. _I can't think about him anymore. It hurts too much to think about him._

Noticing the pain in my eyes, Hiro turned off the television. "Are you alright?"

"Did you ever find out what happened to Kaemon?" I asked trying to avoid his eyes.

_Okay Shu, I get the hint. _"One of the nurses told me that he got fired this morning."

"I shouldn't have asked him to stay with me last night. It's my fault he got fired. I've got to find out what happened to him."

"I'll call K and ask him to help us. I'm sure he'll be able to find this Kaemon friend of yours."

"Thanks Hiro." I felt so bad that Kaemon had been fired. Talking to him last night and hearing about his failed relationship with Tomeo had been good for me. It had really helped me put my sorrow into perspective. At last there was someone I knew who could truly understand what I was feeling. I knew I had to see him again and somehow help him out. I could vaguely hear Hiro talking to K on the phone.

"You don't have to worry, Shu. K says he'll find Kaemon as quickly as he can." Hiro announced as he walked back into the room. "You should try to get some rest now."

"Alright," I yawned drowsily. I snuggled under the covers on Hiro's couch and drifted off to sleep.


	4. Desolation

March 25 – Eiri Yuki's apartment

I walked through Yuki's apartment in a daze. All of the memories that came crashing down upon me threatened to drown me in sorrow. Reflexively I wrapped my arms around my ribs, but I was too numb to cry. _He didn't even leave me a note._

"Are you alright?" Kaemon asked nervously. "Maybe you should sit down for a while."

"I'm fine. You don't need to worry about me so much." I said as he gently led me to a chair.

"It's my job to take care of you." He said with a smile. "Please rest while Hiro and I pack the remainder of your things."

As I watched them pack up my belongings, it felt as if they were in fact packing my old life away. It made me feel empty, but at least I knew I wouldn't be alone. Hiro had convinced Kaemon to allow me to hire him as my live-in personal assistant. Although I wasn't crazy about Kaemon living with me, I reluctantly agreed to Hiro's arrangement. It was the only way I could make amends for getting Kaemon fired. Now, as I struggled against the despair that threatened to overwhelm me, I was glad that I wouldn't be alone in my new apartment tonight.

"I think that's the last of it." Hiro stated as closed the box.

I looked at what was left of my meager belongings. Although I had lived here with Yuki for nearly a year, I didn't have very much to show for it. Then again, I was never concerned with things. I only wanted to be with Yuki. _I miss him so much!_

"I…I'd like to take one more look around…you know…to make sure I don't leave anything behind." Even though I couldn't stand the thought of living here without Yuki, knowing that I would probably never come back here again – I didn't want to leave.

"Alright Shu, we'll wait for you by the elevator." Hiro replied slinging a large bag over his shoulder and picking up a box. Kaemon shot me a worried glance before picking up the last two boxes and quietly followed him out the door.

I walked into the bedroom and sat on Yuki's side of the bed. Gently, I brushed my hand across his pillow. A single tear streaked down my cheek. I went into the bathroom next. Most of his toiletries were gone, but he had left a bottle of his cologne behind. With trembling hands, I unscrewed the cap and breathed in its scent. More tears began to flow. I replaced the cologne and wandered into Yuki's study. The desk looked so empty without his laptop. I wrapped my arms around my aching ribs and started sobbing. As I looked around the kitchen, I thought about all of the times Yuki had unsuccessfully tried to teach me how to cook. Finally, I made my way back into the living room, took one more look around, and walked out the door. "Good bye Yuki." I said as I closed and locked the door for the last time.

April 18 – Dr. Schlucter's office, Bonn Germany

"Please just give me a few sedatives." Yuki asked in desperation. "I haven't had a good night's sleep in over a month!"

"Are you still having problems with nightmares?" Dr. Schlucter asked. The look on her face suggested that she already knew the answer, which irritated Yuki even more.

"You know damn well what I'm going through! Why can't you just give me a break?"

"I know that you are plagued by nightmares. I would like to help you with them, but giving you drugs so you can suppress and ignore them is not the answer. Your sub-conscious self obviously will not let you be until you have resolved whatever issue you are desperately trying to forget."

Yuki was sitting across from Dr. Schlucter's desk on the edge of his chair. He put his clenched fists on her desk and looked at her intently. "I…just want…to forget!" He admitted with great difficulty. "Why can't I just forget about it?"

Dr. Schlucter noticed the anxiety on his face. _His body is nearing its limit, but he still is unable to tell me about his problems. If he continues in this manner, he will have a break down! Perhaps I should take a different approach._ "Eiri, would it be easier for you to write your nightmares down and let me read them rather than trying to tell me about them directly?"

"I…don't know." Yuki answered visibly taken aback. "I guess it would be easier for me."

"Alright, every time you have a nightmare, I would like you to describe it in detail. Everything that you see and hear, and most importantly, every emotion that you experience needs to be included in your… let's call it a dream journal. I would like you to email your dream journal to me the day before our next session." She handed him her business card. "If you are comfortable with this arrangement, we can begin discussing them next week."

Yuki sighed in resignation. "I suppose I don't have much of a choice. I don't think I can take much more of this. I'll give it a try."

Yuki returned to his hotel room fatigued with his head pounding so violently he felt like there was jack hammer drilling into his brain. _Is this ever going to end?_He went into the bathroom and swallowed a couple of aspirins. Then he slumped wearily on the bed. Sleep was not what he wanted at the moment because he knew as soon as he closed his eyes he would go back to that horrible day. Unfortunately, sleep was the only remedy for a headache this bad. He reluctantly closed his eyes and once the aspirin began to take effect, he drifted off to sleep…

He was back in the deserted building again. Shuichi was crying and begging for them to stop. Clutching the two by four tightly, Yuki quietly walked up behind them. The sight of them hurting Shuichi made his stomach twist into knots. Suddenly, Shuichi's frightened, pain filled eyes met his. _Why did you do this to me? _He heard his own voice echo in his head…

"NO!" Yuki screamed waking abruptly. Although his body was drenched in sweat, he was shivering so forcefully it felt like the bed was vibrating.

"I can't take this anymore!" he yelled at the universe in general. He got up and looked out the window. Dawn was just beginning to break over the sleeping city. It would have been a beautiful sight, if he were on vacation instead of trying to sort out his rapidly fragmenting psyche. Remembering his agreement with Dr. Schlucter, Yuki opened his laptop and began describing the nightmare. _No matter what it takes, _he decided, _I have got to put an end to this._


	5. Confusion

April 25 – Dr. Schlucter's office, Bonn Germany

Yuki sat uncomfortably in his chair across from Dr. Schlucter's desk. He was aware of her close scrutiny, but he was trying to ignore it.

"There seems to be a common theme to all of your nightmares." She observed as she scrolled through Yuki's latest dream journal entry. "I was wondering if you had a theory as to why this is so."

Yuki sighed in resignation. He knew this had to come up sooner or later. "It's what happened the night I left my lover." He stated emotionlessly.

Dr. Schlucter considered his response carefully. From what she could gather from the entries in his dream journal, somehow Yuki's lover ended up being beaten and raped in an abandoned building. But what had happened before and after was a complete mystery to her. She wanted to ask him what happened, but she knew he was not the type of person who would respond to direct questions about it. She decided to take a different approach.

"Why do you think you've been dreaming solely about this incident?"

"I'm not sure." He answered in confusion. This wasn't the question he was expecting. "I suppose because I feel guilty about it."

The picture was becoming clearer, but she wanted him to elaborate more about it. "Why should you be guilty about some random act of violence?"

He realized at once that she was trying to get more details about that night without directly asking him about it. Instead of irritating him, strangely enough, it put him at ease. "We had a fight on the way home from eating out and I kicked him out of the car."

"Did you know at the time that he would be attacked?" She asked too curious now to bother with subterfuge.

"Not when he got out of the car, but somehow I knew he was in danger when I passed a couple of thugs as I drove off." That simple act of admission made the bile rise up Yuki's throat. "I couldn't get back to Shuichi in time to stop them."

"In every one of your dreams, you wake up when you see… (Shuichi was it?) …being raped. What happened after that?"

"I beat the hell out of Shuichi's attackers and I took him to the hospital." Yuki answered numbly. He realized with mild curiosity that he never got that far in his dreams.

Dr. Schlucter made a note in Yuki's file. "Why do you think you've been avoiding that part of the incident? I would think it would alleviate some of your guilt knowing that you saved him from possibly being killed."

Yuki blinked as if he were emerging from a trance. "Why the hell should I know the logic behind my twisted nightmares? You're the shrink! You tell me!"

She resisted the urge to smile at his sudden outburst. _I definitely hit a nerve just then!_ "It would be better if you could figure that out for yourself. After all, you know your motives much better than anyone else!"

He could feel his anxiety level beginning to rise. _What the hell is she insinuating? Damn it! Why did I always conveniently leave out that part of the evening? _"I honestly don't know."

Yuki entered his hotel room in a daze. He had walked aimlessly around the city for hours trying desperately to make sense of his session with Dr. Schlucter. He finally came up with an explanation for ignoring the fact that he saved Shuichi and took him to the hospital, but he couldn't bring himself to accept it. _It can't be the reason! _He rubbed his sleep deprived eyes and looked at the digital clock by the bed. It was already one a.m. Not bothering to remove his clothing, he stretched across the bed and fell instantly to sleep…

He was walking through the deserted building again, but this time it wasn't Shuichi's crying he heard. The voice was oddly familiar. Stomach twisting in knots, he walked through the doorway. Shuichi's attackers were both lying unconscious on the floor. There was someone holding Shuichi's broken body. "I'm sorry Shuichi... You didn't deserve this… It's my fault!" He gasped when he realized he was looking into his own tear streaked face…

Yuki jerked awake with a start. _What the hell was that? It didn't happen that way…did it?_ Suddenly he wasn't sure anymore. He had been avoiding that part of the incident for so long…

"Damn it!" He got up and lit himself a cigarette. Of course that was absolutely not what happened that night. _Why am I making such a big deal about it? It's just a stupid dream!_ He considered leaving this entry out of his dream journal, but decided against it. According to Dr. Schlucter, ignoring the nightmare won't make it go away. And he desperately wanted this one to go away! Reluctantly, he opened his laptop and added another entry to his journal.

May 8 – Shuichi Shindou's apartment

"I'm home!" The moment the words left my lips I felt guilty. _How many times did I call that out when I was with Yuki?_ I shook my head angrily. _I have no reason to feel guilty! He left me. _

"Just make yourself comfortable. Dinner will be ready shortly." Kaemon called from the kitchen.

I sat morosely on the sofa. Once again, I was grateful that Kaemon was living with me. The thought of living alone or worse yet, trying to live with my parents again made me shudder. Although 

I'm usually in a lousy mood, Kaemon is always so cheerful and happy to be with me. More often than not, he brings a smile to my face, and gives me a reason to keep on living.

I walked to the kitchen and stood in the doorway. Kaemon was sautéing vegetables at the stove. As I watched him preparing our dinner, I couldn't help but notice how incredibly cute he looked. His waist length, chocolate brown hair was pulled into a ponytail, his face was flushed from the heat of the stove, and he was wearing a navy blue apron over his faded jeans and bright green tee shirt.

"How was your day?" Kaemon asked pleasantly as he began dishing the food onto our plates.

"It was good." I answered trying not to sound depressed. "What would you like to drink?"

"I'll take a glass of ice tea." He said carrying our plates to the table. I took two glasses out of the cabinet, poured us both some ice tea, and followed him into the dining room.

"Itadakimasu!" I dug eagerly into the delicious dinner Kaemon had prepared.

"Were you able to finish editing your CD?"

"It's finally finished. We'll start touring soon." I answered between mouthfuls of food.

"How soon?" Although he was trying to sound casual, I noted a touch of sorrow in his voice. I looked into his eyes and realized that for the first time since living with me, he was not smiling.

"Kaemon, what's wrong?"

"What am I supposed to do when you are on tour?"

I hadn't even thought about what he would do. I never had to worry about Yuki because, quite frankly, he always seemed relieved when I had to go on tour. I had often asked him to come with me, but he never wanted to go. _'Why would I want to go with a brat like you? I'm going to enjoy having you gone for the next four months!'_ Yuki's cruel response echoed in my head bringing a lump to my throat. I forcefully pushed the sad memory out of my mind.

"Would you like to come with me?" I asked tentatively.

Kaemon's face brightened immediately. "You'd really let me come with you?" He nearly jumped out of his chair with excitement when I shook my head in affirmation. "Won't Hiro and Suguru be upset with you if you let me tag along?"

"Well, you are my personal assistant after all. Hiro usually has his hands full trying to keep up with all of our stuff because I'm always so disorganized. It will probably be a relief to him if you're there to take care of my stuff for me. I don't think anyone will mind you being there."

"This is great! Outside of moving here from Kawasaki, I've never traveled anywhere! Where will we be going?"

I spent the next thirty minutes telling him about the places we went to the last time Bad Luck went on tour. He was so excited about going; I couldn't help getting excited right along with him. Up until this moment, I had been dreading the tour. Once again I was grateful to have Kaemon with me. I would have been a mess without him.

"Oh, by the way, I brought home a rough copy or our new CD. Would you like to listen to it?" I timidly asked him.

"Really! I've been dying to hear it, but I was afraid to ask you." He said with such sincerity it made me blush.

"I didn't know you were a fan." I said trying to hide my embarrassment.

He looked a little nervous. "Well, I didn't know about Bad Luck before I met you." He glanced at me uncomfortably as he began to clean the table. "It's not the kind of music I usually listen to, but I bought a copy of your first CD the day before I moved in here, and I just can't stop listening to it!" I noticed that his face was bright red as he quickly retreated into the kitchen. _He looks absolutely adorable!... Did my heart just skip a beat? _

"I'll do the dishes." I offered hastily. "Why don't you go into the living room and listen to it."

"You've been working all day!" He vigorously protested pushing me out of the kitchen. "You should be the one resting now. I'll listen to it as soon as I'm finished."

I walked into the living room with my emotions in complete turmoil. I miss Yuki so very much, but I also can't deny that I'm attracted to Kaemon. _Yuki, why did you leave me? All I've ever wanted was to be with you._ I slouched on the couch and absentmindedly turned on the television. _Yuki, do you ever think about me? Did you ever care about me at all?_ I wrapped my arms around my ribs – more out of habit now than anything else – and began to cry.


	6. Realization

May 9 – Dr. Schlucter's office, Bonn Germany

Dr. Schlucter reviewed Yuki's latest journal entry acutely aware of the angry golden eyes boring through her laptop. "Why do you think the perspective of your nightmares has changed?"

"How the hell should I know?" Yuki answered irritably. "I just want them to stop!"

_He has been trying to understand the reasoning behind his dreams. _She noted with interest. _I wonder what he's discovered about himself that has him so upset._ "You told me that you never held Shuichi the way you did in your dream, and you never talked to him at all after the attack."

"That's right!" He said just a little too forcefully.

"Why do you think you've been dreaming about it then?" _Just admit it Eiri. It won't kill you to admit it._

Yuki jumped out of his chair and walked over to the bookshelf in the corner of her office. He was trying to act like the question didn't bother him, but his shaking arms and clenched fists betrayed his emotions. "You can't be suggesting that I'm still in love with Shuichi!"

"I haven't suggested anything." She answered calmly. "I couldn't help but notice that you said – 'still in love with Shuichi.' This is the first time you've admitted that you were in love with the person you yourself called a lover!"

He turned on his heel and stalked angrily toward her. "I never said I loved that annoying brat! Quit turning my words against me!"

"Why do you keep dreaming about him?" She asked carefully keeping her voice even.

"How should I know? He's been a pain in my ass since the day I met him." He sat back down and put his head in his hands. "I never had a moments rest when he was with me, and now he's even tormenting me in my dreams!"

"Eiri, you can't blame Shuichi for your dreams." She gently reminded him. "Everything you dream comes from your own sub consciousness. You should try to be honest with your feelings. That may be the only way to put an end to your nightmares…"

Yuki moved uneasily through the crowd. It was the busiest time of the day in the city. He had intended to get back to the hotel room early today, but once again he found himself wandering through the streets distracted by Dr. Schlucter's disturbing allegations. _She had no idea what she was talking about. I'm not in love with Shuichi! I can't be!_ He caught a glimpse of someone with pink hair coming toward him in the crowd. A lump suddenly formed in his throat, and his heart actually skipped a beat. Then he realized it was an attractive young woman from the local college. She looked at him with hopeful eyes, but he completely ignored her as he walked past. Ducking into a liquor store, he bought a large bottle of vodka. _One way or another, I'm going to sleep soundly tonight!_

Yuki walked through the apartment in a cold sweat. He knew this place all too well, and he didn't want to see the person waiting for him in a drunken stupor. As he walked into the room, he was confronted with the incident he had tried so hard to forget. He was being raped by Kitazawa's friends while his once beloved tutor stood passively by and watched. Suddenly, his perspective changed, and he was watching Shuichi being raped as if he were Kitazawa. Shuichi looked at him with tearful, pain filled eyes. "Help me." He pleaded weakly…

Yuki fell heavily out of bed. He had to get to the bathroom urgently, but he knew as soon as he tried to move that he would never make it. Luckily he landed near the wastebasket. He pulled it toward him just in time to catch the one hundred proof vomit that gushed from his mouth. He didn't think he would ever stop puking. Leaning back against the bed, he grabbed his throbbing head with both hands. At least when he was busy puking, he couldn't feel his head exploding. _If I'm going to dream like that when I'm drunk, I'll never touch the stuff again! _He vowed as he staggered to the bathroom.

July 16 – Sapporo, Japan

I couldn't believe I'd just done that! As I hid in our dressing room sobbing uncontrollably, I reflected on what had just happened. Someone from the local paper was interviewing me about our concert tonight. Of course the reporter just had to ask me about Yuki! They always ask me about Yuki. This time I couldn't smile and say everything was alright. I finally admitted that he'd left me. Thankfully, this reporter was able to discern from my actions not to pursue the matter further.

At the moment, dealing with the press was the last of my worries. All of the sorrow I'd been ignoring came crashing down on me all at once. I barely made it in here before I went completely to pieces.

"Shuichi, are you in here?" Kaemon frantically looked around the room. He had turned his back on Shuichi and the reporter for a couple of minutes to get something to drink. When he returned, the reporter informed him that Shuichi had left suddenly after telling her that Yuki had left him. "Shuichi, please don't hide from me!" He heard muffled sobbing coming from the back corner of the room. The sight of Shuichi huddled in the corner crying hysterically literally broke his heart!

I heard Kaemon call my name, but I didn't want to upset him. I covered my mouth with my hand in a feeble attempt to stifle my sobbing, but I couldn't hold back my tears any more. When he found me, he didn't say a word. He simply sat next to me and pulled me into a firm embrace. It was as if he knew exactly what I needed! Impulsively, I pressed my face against his chest, and began weeping even harder.

After several minutes, I realized that he was gently running his fingers through my hair. It felt so soothing to be held and comforted by Kaemon. I noticed, although I had stopped crying, he was still holding me. He kissed me on my forehead. It sent chills down my spine! Then he tenderly placed a finger under my chin and tilted my head back so he could look into my eyes. As he softly wiped the tears from my cheeks, I could see that he wanted to kiss me, and to my surprise, I wanted him to kiss me.

"Hey Shuichi, are you in here?" Hiro called impatiently.

"Y…yeah, I'm here." I answered a little relieved and also a little disappointed.

"C'mon it's time to rehearse."

"I guess you'd better go." Kaemon said dejectedly.

Reluctantly, I got up to leave. "Are you going to come watch us rehearse?"

Smiling warmly he answered, "don't I always?"

That night during the concert, my performance was much more sensuous than it had been in a very long time. The reporter, who had interviewed me, gave our concert an extremely favorable review. Among other things, she had written: 'Even though Shuichi Shindou was visibly upset about his separation from Eiri Yuki, he was able to give his fans a provocative performance.' Actually my performance was directed to one fan in particular – the cute one with long, chocolate brown hair waiting patiently for me off stage.


	7. Revelation

July 16 – Eiri Yuki's hotel room, Bonn Germany

Yuki found himself back in Kitazawa's apartment once again. He didn't want to go into that room, but his feet led him there anyway. Kitazawa's friends were violently raping Shuichi. Yuki couldn't just stand there and watch it happen again! He desperately wanted to do something, but his body just wouldn't move. _I'm sorry Shuichi! _"It hurts! It hurts! Make them stop! Please Yuki, make them stop…"

Yuki could still hear Shuichi's anguished cries ringing in his ears as he was jolted awake. _Damn it! _He got up and staggered into the bathroom to take some aspirin. His head was hurting so badly, it was blurring his vision. He soaked a wash cloth in cold water and placed it over his eyes. As soon as he did, his mind was once again pervaded with a vision of Shuichi's tearful, pain filled face. _I give up!_ He threw the wash cloth across the room in frustration. Although he'd been told that ignoring his dreams was a bad idea, he had been trying to ignore these painful nightmares. He hadn't wanted to deal with that particular part of his past yet. But, just as Dr. Schlucter had predicted, the nightmares were intensifying. For the first time in the past two and a half months, Yuki truthfully recorded the nightmare in his journal.

July 18 – Dr. Schlucter's office, Bonn Germany

Dr. Schlucter looked into Yuki's sleep deprived eyes. _He really looks awful! _"The last two entries in your journal are drastically different than the dreams you've been recording for the past two months. Can you think of a reason that might have caused such an extreme change?"

Yuki shifted uncomfortably in his chair. "With the exception of the last two entries in my journal, all of the dreams I've been recording have been fabricated."

"I thought they were getting too warm and fuzzy all of a sudden to be legitimate." She answered knowingly. "I knew when they became too much for you to bear; you would begin to record them truthfully. These nightmares are very similar to your nightmare about Shuichi's attack last spring. Why do you think they are so similar?"

Until that moment, Yuki hadn't recognized the similarities between what happened to him in Kitazawa's apartment and Shuichi's attack. As the realization hit him, his stomach instantly twisted into knots. _Could this be the reason I'm having these nightmares?_ He didn't really want to talk about what Yuki Kitazawa had done to him, but he was afraid the nightmares would continue if he didn't confront his past. He paced nervously while he wrestled with this dilemma. In the end, his desire to put an end to the nightmares was more urgent than keeping the secret of his painful past.

Yuki sat down resolutely. "I had a tutor when I lived in New York, who was very special to me…"

Yuki walked listlessly into his hotel room. The stress of telling Dr. Schlucter about his painful past had left him completely exhausted. Even though both Tohma and Shuichi knew what happened between him and Kitazawa, he had never been able to talk to anyone about it in detail. Dr. Schlucter was able to discern immediately that Yuki had blamed himself for everything. She had told him that it wasn't his fault. Logically, he knew she was right, but he still felt so guilty.

Although he desperately needed to sleep, Yuki was doing everything in his power to stay awake. For nearly four months, he had been afflicted by painful, disturbing nightmares. He felt like his psyche has been pushed as far as it could handle. If he had one more nightmare, he was afraid he would lose what little grip he had left of his sanity. As the night wore on, however, his body was overcome by fatigue and he fell into darkness.

Yuki walked through Kitazawa's apartment apprehensively. Although he didn't want to go into that room, something seemed different this time. His curiosity drove him on. Just before he entered it, he could hear Shuichi crying weakly. He was struggling to put his clothes back on. Ugly bruises covered the soft, pale skin of his slender body. The thought of someone hurting Shuichi made Yuki's anger burn, but at the moment, there was no one to pummel. He sat next to Shuichi and pulled him into a comforting embrace.

"I'm so sorry this happened to you. It's my fault. The only reason you're here at all is because of me." As he held Shuichi and tried to comfort him, Yuki felt as if his heart would break. "I promise I'll always be here to protect you."

The sensation of holding Shuichi's body slowly disappeared as Yuki gradually regained consciousness. He didn't want to lose that feeling. It had been so long since he felt Shuichi's warm, soft skin. But he eventually awoke to an empty bed with an intense longing in his heart. Suddenly he snapped out of his addled, dream-induced trance.

"What am I doing?" He got up and lit a cigarette. _Why have I been dreaming about Shuichi every night? Why can't I just forget about him?_ He knew this was something he should record in his dream journal, but he loathed the thought of doing it, or more accurately, he loathed the thought of having to explain it to Dr. Schlucter. If he ignored this dream, would he end up dreaming about it again? Or, worse yet, would the dream become more intense the next time? He opened his laptop indignantly and once again cursed the day he ran into that annoying brat!

August 1 – Dr. Schlucter's office, Bonn Germany

As Yuki paced back and forth in agitation, Dr. Schlucter noted that he looked worse now than he had a few weeks ago when he was having the worst of his nightmares. _Why is he this upset about the recent change in his dreams?_ While reviewing his dream journal the day before, she realized that Yuki's nightmares, about himself and/or Shuichi being raped by Kitazawa's friends, had ended around the same time they had begun talking about the day Yuki had been raped. The past couple of weeks, Yuki's dreams have seemed oddly familiar. She was sure he had noticed it too, but he was either in denial, or was ignorant of it.

"Why has the recent change in your dreams upset you so? I would think you would be relieved that the nightmares about Shuichi being raped have stopped." Dr. Schlucter finally asked.

"There's something about these dreams that seems so familiar." He answered allusively. The truth, of course, was that he didn't like the way he reacted when he saw Shuichi's battered body and why was he becoming so protective of him as well?

"I have noted a similarity as well, but I can't seem to identify what it is. Can you explain it to me?"

"I haven't figured it our either." He sat down in his usual chair and slumped into sullen contemplation.

"Wait a minute." She exclaimed in sudden inspiration. "Didn't you say that it was your brother-in-law that found you in Yuki Kitazawa's apartment?"

Yuki's face went instantly pale. He had been so distracted by his uncharacteristic actions, and the subsequent emotions they were evoking in his consciousness that he failed to see the blatantly obvious. "In my dreams, I've been acting almost exactly the same way Tohma did when he found me that day!"

"That's very interesting. What do you think your subconscious is trying to tell you by placing you and Shuichi in such a situation?"

"I'm not sure." Yuki lied. He knew exactly what it meant. Finding him battered and traumatized was the catalyst that caused Tohma to fall in love with him. He didn't even want to consider the implications of this revelation.

August 1 – Shuichi Shindou's apartment

Kaemon and I walked wearily into the living room and dropped our luggage on the floor.

"Home at last!" I declared in relief. "I love going on tour, but it sure feels great to finally be home!"

"I didn't realize how taxing it was for musicians." Kaemon said stretching out the muscles in his arms. He had insisted on carrying the heaviest bags. "I'd always assumed it would be more glamorous than what it actually was."

"I know what you mean. I felt the same way after our first tour." I looked around my apartment. Everything was exactly as we had left it four months ago. It looked like the maid we had hired to take care of the place had cleaned recently because everything was immaculate. "It's going to be awfully quiet without Hiro and Suguru hanging out with us all the time!" I had been dreading the end of this tour. Up until now, I had plenty of distractions to keep me from thinking about Yuki. I wrapped my arms around my ribs as thoughts of Yuki flooded into my head.

"I've been looking forward to having you all to myself!" Kaemon appeared suddenly at my side. I turned to face him. His beautiful dark eyes were looking intently into mine. "I know you don't want to hear this, but I can't help the way I feel." He began as he tenderly took me in his arms. "I love you, Shuichi. I know you're not over Yuki yet, but I can't stand to see you hurting and lonely. You don't even have to love me back. Just let me love you. I know I can make you happy if you'll just give me the chance."

It felt so good to be held lovingly like this, but even though Yuki was never this tender, I still longed for him. "Kaemon, it wouldn't be right for me to use you like that. I would be worse than Yuki if I allowed this to go on."

"I don't care about what happens to me! All I care about is you! Please, Shuichi don't turn me away!" He kissed me gently and ran his fingers through my hair. It felt so good!_ Why should I hold on to Yuki when it's obvious he's not going to come back to me? _I wrapped my arms around Kaemon's waist and eagerly returned his kiss. That night in Kaemon's arms I was reborn. Although a large part of my heart still belonged to Yuki, Kaemon with his selfless love claimed a part of my heart as well.


	8. Acknowledgement

September 9 – Eiri Yuki's hotel room, Bonn Germany

Yuki was in the kitchen cutting vegetables for the meal he was preparing.

"I home!" A familiar voice sang out from the living room. In a matter of seconds, a diminutive pink haired projectile burst into the kitchen. "Did you miss me?" Shuichi asked as he threw his arms around Yuki's neck.

"I've missed you more than you could possibly know!" Yuki wrapped his arms around Shuichi's waist and pulled his body closer. It felt so good to hold him like this. As he kissed Shuichi passionately, his moist, soft lips sent jolts of electricity through Yuki's body. Tongues caressed intimately as they pressed harder into their kiss. Yuki's head was reeling. He could hear his heart beating wildly and feel the blood pulsing through his veins. _Just let me stay like this forever…_

Yuki woke with a start breathing heavily; his body was still reacting to the stimulus of his dream. _Damn it!_ He was tired of dreaming about Shuichi like this. _Why can't I forget about him?_ He got up and lit a cigarette. Staring uneasily out the window at the rising sun, he was hit with a sudden inspiration. He eagerly opened his laptop. As his fingers raced across the keys the ideas flowed effortlessly. By the time he finished hours later, he'd written nearly one hundred pages. It felt so good to be able to write again. Ever since the day he'd left Shuichi, he hadn't been able to write as much as a paragraph. In fact, he had been struggling even before that day.

That was all in the past now. His creative desire was returning, and that was all that mattered. He decided to call his publisher to let her know that his hiatus was officially over. For the first time in months, he was slowly beginning to feel more like himself again!

September 12 – Dr. Schlucter's office, Bonn Germany

"You seem much more relaxed today, and your mood has improved as well." Dr. Schlucter observed as she closed her laptop. "I've noticed, however, that you have not made an entry in your journal for the past several days. Have you quit dreaming altogether?"

"I've been busy." He answered guardedly. "I've started writing again."

"Eiri, that's wonderful news!" She eyed him suspiciously. "But that's not the real reason you've quit writing in your journal."

_Damn it! For once I wish she wouldn't be so perceptive! _"I'm not comfortable with it anymore."

"So, you're still dreaming about Shuichi."

Yuki's face turned a deep shade of crimson. "Why would I dream about that annoying brat? He's messed my life up enough! I'm through with him!"

"Do you still honestly believe that Shuichi has messed up your life? After all, you told me yourself, he was the reason you began remembering your past."

"My point exactly! All the hell I've been going through for the past several months is all his fault!"

Dr. Schlucter sighed in exasperation. "Do you have any idea what would have happened to you if you had successfully buried your past? Your goodness and compassion would have been slowly eaten away until you became a heartless monster so full of bitter hatred that no one would be able to get close to you."

"So what if I did! I don't want anyone to get close to me. I'd prefer to live my life alone."

"If you would rather live your life alone, then why are you dreaming about Shuichi so much?"

Yuki looked as if he were about to explode. "I don't know! I don't want to dream about him! I don't even want to think about him!"

Dr. Schlucter spent several minutes looking out the window in quiet contemplation while Yuki waited uncomfortably. "Have you ever wondered why you'd been having nightmares?"

For a moment, he was taken aback. "Yes… I have wondered why I'd been having them."

"Do you have any theories?

"I suppose you're going to tell me that once I remembered what happened in my past my subconscious self used dreams to help me consciously deal with my pain and betrayal. Since it was such a horrifying experience for me, they ended up becoming nightmares."

"Not bad, Eiri, but that's only partially correct. Do you have any idea what role Shuichi has played in all of this? After all, he's been involved in every one of your nightmares."

He had an idea, but he didn't like the direction this discussion was going. "Don't start with that 'you're in love with Shuichi' crap! I've just been guilty about him getting raped last spring. That's all it is."

"That would explain your nightmares about that incident, but it doesn't explain Shuichi appearing in your nightmares involving Kitazawa." She studied the emotions that flashed across Yuki's face. _You're not going to like this Eiri, but you need to hear it anyway._ "I believe your nightmares are directly related to your relationship with Shuichi. Although you tried to prevent it, Shuichi was able to get close to you. This caused you a great deal of distress because up until that point, you had with your cold indifference successfully kept everyone away. Therefore, in addition to trying to deal with Kitazawa's betrayal, your subconscious self has also been trying to help you come to terms with your love for Shuichi."

"For the last time," he began in aggravation, "I'm not in love with that brat!"

"Eiri, you need to face reality! You were hurt in the worst possible way by someone you loved and trusted. You spent your entire life acting as inhospitable as you possibly could to keep anyone else from getting as close to you as Kitazawa had been. Then Shuichi came along and worked his way into your heart. You're afraid that once you acknowledge your love for him, he will hurt and betray you too."

"Y…you don't know what you're talking about!" he faltered. _This isn't good! Her argument is beginning to make too much sense!_ "My problems have nothing to do with Shuichi!

"Then why are you dreaming about him so much?"

Yuki walked over to the window and anxiously watched the people milling about on the streets below. He thought about all of the times he had gotten annoyed and snapped at Shuichi. He had always felt bad about hurting him. _Could it be true? Have I been irritable and quick tempered with Shuichi because I've been afraid of falling in love with him?_

September 12 – Shuichi Shindou's apartment

I walked out onto the balcony and away from the commotion within the living room. Kaemon's angry voice was still clearly audible even out here. _If I had known that the journalist was only interested in my break up with Yuki, I would never have agreed to this interview._ He had asked me why Yuki had left me. I had asked myself that question every day. _Why did you leave me Yuki? What did I do? What did I not do?_ I wrapped my arms around my ribs and began to cry.

I felt Kaemon's arms wrap around me. "I'm sorry Shuichi. If I'd known what he was after, I would never have set up that interview."

"Don't worry about it." I melted into his warm embrace. "I just wish I knew the answer to his question. I've often wondered what I had done to drive Yuki away."

"What makes you think it was your fault? You're such a kind and loving person. I can't imagine you doing anything bad enough drive anyone away."

"Y…you don't think I'm annoying?" I asked fearfully.

"No, of course not!" Kaemon gently turned me around to face him. "Is that something Yuki used to say to you?" I sadly nodded my head. He tenderly wiped the tears from my cheeks. "How could anyone not love and treasure someone as wonderful as you?"

I slipped my arms around Kaemon's neck and kissed his beautiful lips. "You treat me much better than I deserve."

He looked at me with sad, compassionate eyes. "Shuichi, this is how your lover is supposed to treat you."

I knew he was right, but there were things about Yuki that Kaemon couldn't possibly understand. If Yuki could somehow heal the wounds that were cruelly inflicted upon him... _I love you so __much, Yuki. I hope someday you can heal your wounds and learn to love again._ A lone tear glided slowly down my cheek. _Even if it is not with me, I hope you can find happiness._

"I know you wanted me to take a break today, but there's something I've just got to do right now."

"You've got that creative sparkle in your eyes again!" He observed with a playful smile on his face. "Don't worry about me. I'll fix dinner while you create Bad Luck's next hit song!"

"You really are an angel!" I said as I hastily gave Kaemon a quick peck on the cheek.

As I scribbled the words in my tattered note book, I reflected on all of the pain and anguish I had experienced since the day Yuki walked out of my life. I transferred all of my raw emotions into those words, and hoped that someday I would be able to let go of the love I felt for Yuki. If he ever loved me at all, it clearly wasn't enough to keep him by my side. Since he obviously was ready to move on with his life, I vowed to do everything in my power to move on with mine, and put him behind me once and for all.


	9. Awakening

September 18 – Eiri Yuki's hotel room, Bonn Germany

"I can't take this anymore!" Shuichi said in an unusually subdued, defeated voice. "It's obvious that you don't love me, and I'm tired of being a nuisance to you." He picked up his bags and turned to leave. "I'll collect the rest of my things later."

Yuki watched him walk out the door in a horrified silence. _Don't leave me! I love you!_ He just couldn't bring himself to say those words aloud, and now Shuichi was gone. All of the pain he'd experienced up until now seemed pale in comparison to the agony he felt as he watched the most important person in his life walk away…

Yuki awoke with a start. His heart was beating wildly and he had tears in his eyes. _Why did I have to fall in love with him?_ He got up and lit himself a cigarette in frustration. The pain he had felt in his dream was still aching in his heart. _I need to go back home. _

September 19 – Dr. Schlucter's office, Bonn Germany

"Since I've finished writing my novel, I'll be leaving for Japan on Monday." Yuki announced. He knew he was ready to go home, but he was still uneasy about ending his sessions with Dr. Schlucter.

"Eiri, I knew you would be leaving soon. You've been away from home for six months now. However, due to the severity of the trauma you've experienced and the length of time you've suppressed it, it is my professional opinion that you continue your sessions in Japan." She handed him a business card. "This is Dr. Kinjo. He is a brilliant young psychiatrist and one of my protégés. I think you will be able to converse with him as easily as you have with me. I could have my secretary set you up an appointment with him if it is acceptable."

"That's not necessary. I'll make an appointment after I've settled back into my apartment."

"There is one question I would like to ask you before you leave."

Yuki looked at her curiously. "Sure, what is it?"

"How have you been able to write such popular romance novels when you've spent most of your life avoiding love?"

"I've had many superficial relationships. Most of the material for my novels have come from them."

She smiled at him slyly. "I've bought and read every one of your novels. If I didn't know any better, I would have thought that you were the most romantic man in the world."

He shifted uneasily in his chair. "It's what the fans want."

"I couldn't help but notice a difference in the novels you wrote before you met Shuichi and the novels you've written since then."

"What do you mean?" He asked suspiciously.

"Well, the novels you've written after you met Shuichi. They seem more…sensual, and the characters are much more passionate with each other. But the biggest difference is the love expressed between the main characters. It has become much more… genuine."

Yuki sighed in exasperation. "I hope Dr. Kinjo won't be as obsessed with my love life as you are!"

"I'm sure he won't. He's much more professional than I am, but he's also much more perceptive as well." _I'm surprised Eiri! You didn't vehemently deny that you're in love with Shuichi. Perhaps you've finally decided to accept your feelings…_

September 21 – Shuichi Shindou's apartment

Reluctantly, I emerged from my dream. Lying with my eyes still closed, I willed the images to remain. It was wonderful! Yuki was holding me and kissing me passionately. Tears rolled down my cheeks as reality crashed down upon me. Yuki left me and he's never coming back. Once again I cursed my stubborn heart for refusing to let Yuki go.

I looked over at Kaemon sleeping next to me. If it weren't for this loving, selfless person, I don't know what would have become of me. Even asleep he was absolutely breathtaking. His soft, waist length, chocolate brown hair was fanned exquisitely around his beautifully tanned body. Carefully, I brushed his hair aside and rolled toward him. As I gazed into his face, I thought about his reaction the first time he read "Look Around," the song I'd written about Yuki.

Although Kaemon supported my decision to write it, I knew it was difficult for him. The raw emotions I used to describe my feelings for Yuki were much more passionate than I have ever felt for him. It's not that I didn't love Kaemon. I just wasn't capable of loving him as much as I love…_Stop it! I've got to forget about Yuki and move on!_

Dark brown eyes fluttered open, "you're up awfully early on your day off!"

"A dream woke me up." I replied sadly. Tears began rolling down my cheeks again. "I'm sorry." I started to get up. I didn't like to do this in front of him.

"Don't leave," he said pulling me gently into an embrace. "You know, as long as I'm here, you will never have to suffer alone." He held me as I cried. Stroking my hair and kissing me softly, he conveyed without words his love for me. Kissing him ardently, I wordlessly returned his love…

* * *

"Here's your tea." Kaemon sat on the sofa next to me. "So, what do you want to do today?"

"I just want to relax. It's been so hectic lately." I yawned deeply as I thought about the last couple of weeks. Things have really gone into overdrive ever since I wrote "Look Around." Everyone, including Ryuichi informed me that it is my finest work yet. Suguru really tuned in to the sentiments of my lyrics and created a superb musical arrangement. Although it had only been released a couple of days ago, "Look Around" had been quickly climbing the charts. I sighed wearily, "If our latest single does as well as Sakano is predicting, Bad Luck will be plenty busy for a long time."

"I know 'Look Around' will surpass everyone's expectations." Kaemon reassured me. He was trying hard to hide his pain. I felt a familiar twinge of guilt. "The emotional way you sing 'Look Around' really draws the listener into your pain. I doubt that there's anyone who could listen to your song and not be affected by it."

"I know someone who wouldn't give a damn about my emotions." I replied bitterly.

"Try not to think of such unpleasant things." He said as he gently wrapped his arms around me. I cuddled close to him and sighed contentedly. It was so warm and comfortable in Kaemon's arms. Closing my eyes, I drifted off to sleep completely oblivious of the warm tears quietly falling into my hair.


	10. Dilemma

Disclaimer: The song "Look Around" was not written by me. It belongs to John Popper from Blues Traveler. I know it's not exactly the type of song that Bad Luck would perform, but when I really listened to the lyrics, I couldn't help thinking that this is what Shuichi should say to Yuki. The Lyrics to this song was the reason I wrote this story. I hope you have and will continue to enjoy it! BTW Thank you for all you lovely comments!

* * *

September 25 – Eiri Yuki's apartment

Yuki was sitting on the sofa aimlessly flipping through the television channels. It was three a.m. and he still couldn't sleep. His biological clock still hadn't adjusted to Japanese time. Right when he had decided to go to bed, a familiar face stopped him in his tracks. Inadvertently, he had changed the channel to a twenty four hour music video station, and Bad Luck's latest music video had just begun. The melody was uncharacteristically melancholy, and for the first time since he'd known him, Shuichi wasn't his normal exuberant self. _This couldn't possibly be the same annoying brat I left six months ago._ Then he began to sing. His voice, which was usually bright and lively, was now eloquently bitter-sweet…

You'll get no answer from me  
About what want or what I get  
Brave enough to speak afraid to see  
Confuse the issue till you forget

And I've tried  
To finally decide  
Why  
I'm in your face

And if you can't already tell  
I am unable to let things go  
I'm told I do it very well  
But more important you should know

That all the same  
You've got no one to blame  
But yourself  
If you call that a waste

Cause it ain't me  
That's been hurting you inside  
And if you've learned  
You'll know much more than I

That your gonna have to go and find it  
You'll have to dig beneath the ground  
You'll have to unearth every ugly stone  
That kept you on your own  
And simply put them down  
You're gonna have to look around

You'll get no answer from me  
About what I get or what I want  
That was enough to make you leave  
You're not the first one come and gone

And I don't care  
Buyer beware  
Of me  
Cause it might get rough

If you want peace than live alone  
If you wanna hide then find a stage  
Each a brief but perfect home  
To accommodate your rage

And sometimes  
In the midst of all my crimes  
I feel lost  
Or have I lost enough

Remaining friends  
Remind me as they say  
It's up to you  
The things you throw away

And still your gonna have to go and find it  
You'll have to dig beneath the ground  
You'll have to unearth every ugly stone  
That kept you on your own  
And simply put them down  
You're gonna have to look around  
You're gonna have to look around

You're gonna have to look around

Yuki couldn't believe it. This song was drastically different than anything Shuichi had ever written. Normally, his lyrics were frivolous and trite, but these lyrics…_ Could Shuichi have actually written these words?_ It was as if he had crawled inside Yuki's soul and laid him bare for all to see. _He was much more perceptive than I ever imagined._ The struggle between Yuki's heart and the little voice in his head instantaneously become an all out war. His heart urged him to find Shuichi, beg for forgiveness, and confess his love, but the annoying little voice in his head insisted on reminding him of what happened the last time he loved someone. Frustrated and exhausted, Yuki fell into a restless slumber.

"Do you love me?" Shuichi asked as he tried in vain to hide the pain in his stunning violet eyes.

"I don't know what you're talking about." Yuki answered irritably.

"I'm supposed to be your lover, but you rarely are affectionate with me. When I try to talk with you, you brush me off as if I'm some kind of aggravation." He could see tears beginning to form in Shuichi's eyes. "Do you care about me at all?"

"Why would I want to…" he was about to say, 'care about an annoying brat like you,' but at the last moment he changed his mind. "Why are you asking me such a stupid question?"

"I need to know how you feel about me." Shuichi pushed on the tears now streaming readily down his cheeks. "I don't want to give my love to a person who either can't or won't return it back to me."

Yuki knew that he loved Shuichi, but he couldn't bring himself to speak the words out loud. His heart was imploring him to answer, but he just couldn't let go of the illogical dread that accompanied those words.

Shuichi took his silence as a rejection. "I understand." He walked with quiet dignity out of the room.

Yuki sat immobile on the sofa. His aloof demeanor belied the fierce battle raging between his heart and head.

Shuichi sadly emerged from the bedroom carrying a suitcase and his back pack. "Good bye Yuki." He said barely controlling the bitter sobs escaping through his trembling lips.

He didn't want him to leave, not like this.

Shuichi took one last longing look into Yuki's eyes, and slowly turned to leave…

Yuki was jolted awake with the sound of the phone ringing in his ears. "Hello." He mumbled groggily.

"Eiri you're finally home!"

"Oh Tohma, what do you want?"

"You disappear for six months without a trace, never call to let the people who care about you know that you're alright, return suddenly without a word, and you still calmly ask me what do you want?" He shouted indignantly.

"Sorry, my head was a mess. I've been seeing a psychiatrist in Germany."

"You didn't have to go all the way to Germany to see a psychiatrist!" He cut Yuki off in exasperation. "Why couldn't you find a psychiatrist here?"

"I needed to get away for a while. I'm sorry I made you worry."

"What you really meant to say is you needed to get away from Shuichi." His hopeful voice bothered Yuki. "Does this mean that you've finally given him up for good?"

"Listen Tohma," he began purposely ignoring the question, "can I come over to your office today. I have something I need to do…"

* * *

"Can I talk to you privately, Shuichi?" Kaemon asked in such a serious tone it made me feel a little uneasy.

"Sure," I glanced over at K. "Could we borrow your office for a few minutes?"

"Alright, but remember you're only taking a fifteen minute break. You still have a lot of work to do today!"

"Yes, I know…thanks." I looked nervously at Kaemon. "Let's go." He had been acting kind of strange all morning. I really wanted to know what was wrong, but I was worried about what it might be. _Have I finally become too annoying for him? Is he going to leave me too? _As we entered K's office, I noticed that Kaemon looked much more agitated than before. _He really is going to dump me!_

"Shuichi I'm not very good at this sort of thing…"

K suddenly burst into the room. "Shuichi, Tohma wants to see you in his office right away."

"Now? Well I guess it can't be helped." _Why do I feel so relieved? This is just delaying the inevitable. _"Sorry Kaemon, we'll have to finish this another time." We both started to leave the office.

"I'm sorry Kaemon. You'll have to wait here with me." K announced. "Tohma wants to see Shuichi privately."

I walked down the hallway in fretful anticipation. The last time I was summoned to Tohma's office privately, I was ordered to leave Yuki alone. _What could he possibly want with me now?_ I stood for a few moments at the door gathering my courage for whatever waited for me inside, took a deep breath, and then walked in.

"Good afternoon Seguchi-sama…" My body froze, my mind went blank, I suddenly forgot how to breathe, but for the first time in six months my heart started beating again. "Yuki? Wh…what are you doing here?"

"Hello Shuichi…" he began hesitantly.

"Why…why did you leave me in such a place? Do you have any idea what happened to me? I know I was a nuisance to you, but did you have to dump me so carelessly in an awful place like that?"

"I think I'd better leave." Tohma announced in embarrassment as he quietly slipped out the door.

"What are you talking about" Yuki asked incredulously.

"You left me in the middle of the worst part of the city. Did you know that I was beaten and brutally raped?"

"Of course I knew! Who the hell do you think saved you from those monsters and drove your sorry ass to the hospital?"

"It was you?" I asked in disbelief. "I didn't know it was you. No one ever told me… Thank you…for saving my life!" I was happy to know that Yuki had come back to rescue me, but I was confused. "If you cared enough to risk your life for me, why did you leave me?"

For a brief second I caught a glimpse of regret on his face before it was replaced by his usual irritable expression. "I had some business that needed my immediate attention."

"So you left just like that…without telling anyone…without leaving a note, or at least phoning to let your loved ones know you were alright!"

"It was personal business and it was something I had to take care of on my own. I didn't need you or anyone else getting in my way while I was working on it!"

_So that's the way it is. He left me because I'm nothing more than a nuisance to him. _"If that's the way it is, then why did you come back?"

Yuki abruptly turned and walked to the window. "I wanted to…Tokyo is my home. It's natural for me to come back here."

"Why did you ask Seguchi to call me to his office? What do you want from me?"

Yuki hesitated for several long minutes as he stared agitatedly out the window. "Look, I don't know what you're talking about. I don't know what Tohma wants with you. I was just here for a visit." He quickly stalked out of the room with a peculiar look on his face.

I stood in the middle of Tohma's office in dumbfounded silence. _Why is this happening to me? _

"Do you have any idea what Yuki has gone through these past six months?" Tohma quietly asked as he sat behind his desk.

I jumped reflexively in surprise. I had been so deep in thought I hadn't heard him come in. "I don't know." I answered sadly. "He wouldn't tell me anything."

"He's been seeing a psychiatrist." He paused as if he were trying to decide whether or not he should continue. "His relationship with you was beginning to destroy him."

"I don't understand." I silently willed myself to stay calm. I didn't want to look weak in front of Tohma. "Why was I summoned to your office? You never have anything to say to me, so it must have been at Yuki's request."

"He was testing the effectiveness of his therapy. It seems as though it was successful." He answered with that galling fake smile that never ceases to infuriate me. "You're free to leave now. I have a great deal of work to do and I'm sure you have things to do as well."

My face was burning with pain and rage, but I still managed to keep my voice calm. "I'm sorry to have taken up so much of your time. Good bye Seguchi-sama." I bowed politely and left as quickly as I could. Bitter tears streaked down my cheeks as I stormed back to the studio. I gasped in shock as I was forcefully pulled into an empty room.

"What the…" It was Yuki! He had been waiting for me to come by, and now he was kissing me! The touch of his lips and the scent of his cologne was enough to instantly awaken my desire. I wrapped my arms around his neck and hungrily returned his kiss.

Reluctantly, he pulled away from me. "Meet me at my apartment tonight at six o'clock." Then he left before I could muster a response. I collapsed against the wall and slid down to the floor. With trembling fingers I touched my lips. They were still tingling from Yuki's kiss. In a matter of minutes, my whole world had been turned upside down!


	11. Decision

When I finally returned to the studio, I apprehensively described everything that had happened in Tohma's office. The only thing I left out was Yuki's kiss and his request for me to come to his apartment. I could see that Yuki's return was bothering Kaemon and I didn't want to cause him any more pain. I must have looked pretty perturbed because K gave us all the afternoon off.

I was really worried about Kaemon now. He had barely said two words to me since I'd returned from Tohma's office. As soon as we entered the apartment, he went into domestic mode and started dusting the furniture. He always does this when something is bothering him.

"Kaemon," I said gently taking the duster out of his hand. "What's wrong?"

"I wanted to ask you something, but it doesn't matter anymore." He replied gloomily. He turned away from me quickly in an attempt to hide the tears that were spilling over his cheeks.

"You mean when we went to K's office…you were trying to ask me something?" My relief quickly turned into morbid curiosity. _Well, this is it!_ "What did you want to ask me?"

"I wanted to ask you if you'd like to go to San Francisco with me this weekend."

"That's what you wanted…but why San Francisco?"

"Well…" he started with a nervous tremor in his voice. "It's a beautiful city that has a lot of interesting attractions and…same sex marriage is allowed there."

"You…were you…trying to ask me to marry you?" I asked my head suddenly reeling. Earlier today, I thought I was going to be dumped and left alone. Instead of being left alone, I have received a request for a secret rendezvous with my ex-lover and a marriage proposal from my current lover!

"That was before I knew Yuki was back. That's why it doesn't matter anymore." He began sobbing quietly. I looked into his beautiful dark eyes and felt the familiar stab of pain and guilt. It has always been hard for Kaemon to live in Yuki's shadow, but now it was as if he would be crushed by it.

"Just because Yuki's back…it doesn't mean I'm going to run straight into his arms. I'm not in any hurry to be hurt by him again."

"But… you still love him…don't you?" There was a hopeful gleam in his pain filled eyes.

"I've tried to forget him, but I just can't. Even though I love him, I'm afraid to open my heart to him again. When he left me this last time, I didn't think I could go on living. But then I met you, and little by little, you gave my life meaning again." I tenderly wiped his tears away. "Kaemon, I love you too." The reality of the situation suddenly hit me all at once. I felt bad about not being completely honest with Kaemon. I had never lied to him before, and I wasn't about to start now. "Ah, Kaemon…about what happened earlier…I didn't tell you everything that happened."

"What…do you mean?" He asked apprehensively. "What did Yuki do?"

"Well, I told you he left Tohma's office before I did. He was waiting in an empty room for me…and when I tried to walk past, he pulled me inside with him." I looked nervously at Kaemon. "He kissed me, asked me to meet him tonight at his apartment, and left before I could say or do anything."

He took a deep breath as he fought to control his emotions. Several long, agonizing minutes passed before he was able to speak. "I think you should go to him." He was obviously hurting.

"I can't believe what I'm hearing! You actually want me to spend an evening alone with Yuki?"

He chuckled mirthlessly. "I didn't say 'I want you to go;' I said I think you should go." Tenderly caressing my cheek he added, "If you don't go, you'll end up regretting it for the rest of your life. I love you, but I'm tired of having to share you with Yuki!"

"How can you say that?" I protested though deep down I knew he was right.

Smiling sadly he continued, "Go to Yuki. Do what you have to do to make a decision." A lone tear trailed down his caring, beautiful face. "I don't want to lose you, but if you decide to stay with me, I want it to be because you love me more than Yuki – not because you don't want to hurt me. Whatever you decide," Kaemon said taking me in his arms, "I just want you to be happy."

* * *

Yuki angrily stared at the empty screen on his laptop. _Why did I have to kiss him like that? And then I had to ask him to meet me here! What was I thinking?_ It had been difficult for him to see Shuichi again. Yuki had wanted to take him in his arms from the moment he saw him, but at the same time, that familiar dread of becoming emotionally vulnerable, had stopped him cold. It wasn't until he impulsively kissed Shuichi that he realized how much he missed feeling the touch of his lips and the way he would tremble ever so slightly in his embrace.

"Damn it!" His fingers shook as he tried to light up a cigarette. Admitting to himself that he was in love with Shuichi was hard enough, but experiencing the emotions while holding him in his arms, was another thing entirely. _Why does it have to be so difficult for me to show my love for him? _Someone was knocking on the door. _Shuichi!_ It was only three o'clock in the afternoon. _It's much too early for it to be him._ Curiously, he opened the door.

"Hello Yuki."

"Tohma? What are you doing here at this time? Didn't you say you had a lot of work to do?"

"I need to talk to you about Shuichi."

Yuki eyed him suspiciously. "Why would I want to talk to you about him?"

"A lot has happened since you've been gone." He started with an annoying air of superiority. "For example, Shuichi has another lover."

"What?...That can't be true!" Yuki looked as though he'd been hit in the face with a glass of ice cold water.

For a moment, Tohma waivered, the look on Yuki's face brought back too many bad memories, but he deserved to know the truth. "His name is Kaemon Aomori. He started out as Shuichi's live-in personal assistant, but eventually they became lovers. In fact, they have been inseparable for nearly two months. That's why I suggested you meet with Shuichi privately in my office rather than taking you to the studio where Bad Luck was rehearsing. I knew Kaemon would be there as well, and I didn't want to risk you seeing them together."

"You mean…are they really that intimate with each other…even in public?"

"They are actually pretty discreet, but when they are around people they know…let's just say it's obvious they're a couple." He stroked Yuki's cheek tenderly. "I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news like this."

Yuki pushed his hand away. "Tohma don't start this now."

"Why shouldn't I? Shuichi has moved on to someone new, why don't you move on as well?" He began to seductively slip his arms around Yuki's neck.

He grabbed Tohma's hands and pushed him away more forcefully. "How many times do I have to tell you that I'll never love you in that way? Please stop trying to do this to me."

The anguished look of unrequited love flashed briefly on Tohma's face before it converted back into its usual professional expression. "Even though you won't reciprocate my feelings, you still should find someone else. I don't think you'll ever be able to make Shuichi as happy as Kaemon can."

"What do you mean by that?" Yuki was beginning to get angry. _What does this Kaemon character have that I don't?_

"I brought this along because I figured it would be easier for me to show you." He pulled a DVD out of his pocket. "May I use your television and player?"

"Sure," Yuki answered numbly. He wasn't sure he wanted to see this, but he was unable to stop Tohma.

"Suguru took this footage at Hiro's party last weekend." He explained as the disk began to play. "Just a moment, I've bookmarked the relevant scene, unless you would like to watch the whole thing?"

Yuki refused to answer his question. Tohma looked as though he was enjoying this just a little too much. Clenching his fists in an effort to control his temper, he resolutely watched the television screen. They were in Hiro's living room. The camera, presumably held by Suguru, panned slowly across the room. Hiro and Ayaka were talking intimately with each other, K and Sakano were in the foreground discussing business as usual, and Shuichi was with the man, who must be the Kaemon that Tohma had mentioned. They were talking intimately with each other and they looked every bit as much a couple as Hiro and Ayaka. Kaemon gently brushed a lock of hair out of Shuichi's eyes then he leaned slowly in and lightly kissed his lips. Shuichi looked so incredibly happy. Yuki had seen that look before, but he usually said or did something which would make that smile quickly fade away. With the smile still lingering on his lips, Shuichi reached up and whispered something in Kaemon's ear. Then he took Kaemon by the hand and slowly led him out of the room.

"That's enough Tohma," Yuki said as emotionlessly as possible. "I don't need to see anymore."

"I know this was painful for you, but surely you can see that Kaemon makes Shuichi much happier than you ever could. If you truly care for him, you'll leave him alone and let him be happy with Kaemon."

"I don't know what you're talking about. I never said I wanted to get back with Shuichi." Yuki's denied just a little too vehemently.

Tohma's stomach began to twist into knots. _So you have finally realized that you are in love with Shuichi._ "When you told me you wanted to see him, I assumed that you wanted to get back together with him. I apologize for assuming incorrectly."

"Don't worry about it. Now that you know that your worries are unfounded, would you please leave so I can get some work done."

"Of course, I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Good bye Yuki."

Yuki stood still with a multitude of emotions swirling in his heart. It never dawned on him that Shuichi might find another lover. _Now that he's in a relationship with someone like Kaemon, could he ever be happy with someone like me?_


	12. Deception

The timid knock at the door pulled Yuki from his tormented contemplation. He knew he was in love with Shuichi, but now there was another man in his life. If he were truly in love with this man, he would never have come here this evening. _Is it possible that Shuichi is still in love with me after all I've put him through? _

Yuki opened the door and looked into Shuichi's exquisite, violet eyes. His heart urged him to take Shuichi in his arms and kiss him the way he had earlier that day, but his irrational fear wouldn't allow his body to move.

"Hello Yuki." I said as I nervously looked into his cold, golden eyes. All of the feelings I had tried so hard to forget instantaneously rushed back to me. Even though it had happened hours ago, I could still feel Yuki's warm, sensuous lips on mine. I could deny it from now until eternity, but I would never be able to escape the reality that I loved Yuki more than anyone or anything.

"Come in." I could see a conflict brewing in his eyes as I slowly walked into the apartment. Everything looked the same as the last time I'd been here. The thought of that day brought back such unpleasant memories it made me impulsively wrap my arms around my ribs.

"Is there anything wrong?" Yuki asked noticing my unusual behavior.

"I'm alright…it's sort of a nervous habit I picked up after I was…after my ribs were broken." I looked at Yuki in wonder. Something about him seemed different… "Why did you ask me to come?"

"Before I answer your question, why don't you tell me about your lover Kaemon?" Although he spoke the words with no emotion, I could see a hint of pain in his eyes.

"I met him right after you left me. He was a janitor at the hospital. The night before I was released Hiro finally told me that you had left Tokyo without a trace. Kaemon stayed all night by my side and comforted me. As a result of that one act of kindness, he was fired. So Hiro and I persuaded him to become my live-in personal assistant. After living with me for several months, he confessed his love for me and became my lover." I avoided his eyes during my entire explanation, and was still unable to look into them now.

"I didn't think you would be able to forget me so easily." Although he spoke those words in a light-hearted tone, there was a trace of pain in his voice.

I instantly became angry. "I can't believe what I'm hearing! You'd left me…again, only this time you left me when I needed you the most. You didn't leave me a note – never left any indication that you were coming back at all." I looked into his eyes and cursed at myself for doing so. "I…thought you'd left me…for good this time." I was beginning to falter and I hated myself for being so weak. "What was I… supposed to do? Did you honestly… expect me to spend my life…isolated and alone?"

Yuki walked over to the window and stared at the lazy clouds in the sky. He hadn't thought about the situation from Shuichi's stand point. He had left at the worst possible time, and Kaemon had taken his place. There was just one thing Yuki needed to know. "Do you love Kaemon more than you loved me?"

The words came out before I was able to stop them. "I love Kaemon, but I could never love anyone more than I love you."

It took Yuki several minutes to process this information. Shuichi loved him more than anyone else! That simple statement made his heart rejoice, but the little voice in his head went into overdrive. _Could someone as messed up as you ever really be able to make Shuichi happy?_ "You should go back to Kaemon. You're better off with him."

"What are you talking about?" I said louder than I intended. _This couldn't be the reason he'd asked me to come here._ "Why did you ask me to come here tonight?" I waited impatiently for his answer. He just continued to look out the window as if he hadn't heard me. Finally I couldn't take it anymore. I stormed across the room and positioned myself in front of him. "Why did you ask me to come here tonight?"

Without any warning, he kissed me again! I slipped my arms around his neck, ran my fingers through his hair and fiercely kissed him back. His lips tasted so good, and he was pressing my body so close to his. _More, give me more!_ Abruptly, he pushed me away.

"Please don't stop!" I whispered breathlessly.

"You should go back to your lover before you do something you'll regret later." He answered coldly.

"How can you say that after kissing me so passionately? Don't you care about me at all?" I wailed in frustration.

"The truth is I don't care about you. Go back to your lover and forget about me."

There was one thing I just had to know. "Did you ever care about me?"

He looked into my eyes. _I'm sorry Shuichi, but you're better off without me._ "I never cared about you. You were just another plaything and now I'm through with you." I stood there in stunned silence as he walked to the sofa and calmly sat down. "Why are you still here? I told you to leave."

I ran from the apartment crying harder than I ever have before.

Yuki felt awful. His nightmare had come true, and he had caused it to happen on purpose. Although he had been terribly hurt, in the long run, Shuichi would have a happier life with Kaemon…wouldn't he? It had seemed like the best decision to make at the time, but after seeing the pain in Shuichi's eyes, Yuki wasn't sure about anything anymore.

* * *

The moment I entered the apartment, Kaemon knew it hadn't gone well. My eyes were bloodshot and swollen and I was still sniffling pathetically.

"What did that bastard do to you?" Kaemon demanded in a rage.

"He…told me…he never…cared about me! He said…I was…just a plaything!" I wailed between each choking sob.

Kaemon wrapped me into a comforting embrace, tenderly ran his fingers through my hair, and silently gave me his support as he had so many times before. I melted into his embrace and started bawling once again.

"Why do I…keep letting him…hurt me like that?" I groaned into Kaemon's chest. "When am I…ever going to learn?"

"You can't help who you fall in love with." Kaemon answered his voice full of emotion.

I looked into his eyes and noticed for the first time that he had been crying with me. "I'm sorry Kaemon. This must bring back some awful memories for you."

"That's not the reason I'm upset." He stroked my cheek tenderly. "I just hate to see you hurting like this."

"What would I do without you?" I exclaimed before kissing him intensely. He fervently returned my kiss and pulled my body closer. I slipped my hands under his tee shirt and caressed his well toned chest. Moaning softly in response, he lightly brushed his tongue across my lips and when I acquiesced, pressed deeper into our kiss…

Although Kaemon made love to me passionately, the ache in my heart refused to go away. I silently cried myself to sleep lying in his arms. In the morning when I awoke, I was still enveloped in Kaemon's embrace. I thought about all of the hateful things Yuki had said to me last night. Even in the face of such a blunt rejection, my heart still longed for him. My lips were still burning from Yuki's impassioned kiss, and I trembled as I replayed that memory in slow motion, savoring every sensation it produced. _What am I doing? I have to forget about him now more than ever!_ Kaemon hugged me gently as he slowly began to wake up.

"Are you feeling any better now?" He tentatively asked.

"A little," I weakly smiled at him.

"Your voice sounds raw. Would you like me to fix you some tea?"

"Yes, please," I replied trying my best not to sound too depressed. When he left the room, I berated myself for fantasizing about Yuki while lying in Kaemon's arms. He had made it painfully obvious that we had never been, and would never be a couple. So why am I still clinging to him when I have someone as wonderful as Kaemon by my side? _Kaemon truly loves me and I know in my heart he will never hurt me. Why shouldn't we get married?_

"Here's your tea." He said as he cuddled up to me.

I curled myself into his arms once again grateful for his loving presence. "Remember the question you wanted to ask me yesterday?"

"You don't mean…the one I was going to ask in K's office?" He asked his voice full of hope.

"The answer is yes!"

"You…you really want to get married?" He pulled me closer and looked enthusiastically into my eyes.

"Yes, I want to marry you!" I smiled in spite of my broken heart at the blissful expression on his beautiful face. I set my tea cup on the nightstand and kissed his sweet, soft lips. I wanted to erase the sensation of Yuki's last searing kiss from my memory, but knew in my heart it would be a wasted gesture. I was positive that kiss would haunt me until the day that I died.


	13. Anguish

Yuki sat morosely at his desk staring at the few pathetic paragraphs he had agonized over all afternoon. With extreme disgust, he highlighted every word and deleted it all. He had wasted the past five hours writing something that would make a third rate novelist too ashamed to submit. It used to be so easy for him to churn out a bestselling novel, but now he couldn't even manage to write a single chapter. Closing his eyes, Yuki tried yet again to come up with a decent idea, but all he could see were Shuichi's wounded, tearful eyes.

"Damn it!" He got up in defeat and lit himself a cigarette. He was toying with the idea of having some lunch when the phone rang.

"Hello," Yuki answered gruffly.

"Hello Eiri. It's Dr. Schlucter. I just thought I'd call and see how you are doing."

"You're up awful early. It must be…five fifteen in the morning there."

"I've already been up for nearly an hour!" She replied cheerfully. "Anyway, how are you doing?"

"I'm fine." He answered guardedly. "Do you normally call your ex-patients like this?"

"No, but this isn't a professional call. I'm calling as a friend. I was wondering how things were going with you and Shuichi. Have you talked with him yet?"

"You've got a lot of nerve! When did I ever say I was going to get in touch with Shuichi?"

"Things aren't going well, are they?" She asked ignoring his indignation.

"Look, I don't have the time to talk with you right now. I have a lot of work, so if you don't mind…"

"Alright Eiri, I get the hint. Just try not to make any rash decisions based on your irrational fears. If you do, you'll regret it for the rest of your life."

After hanging up the phone, Yuki stared absentmindedly out the window. He had already begun to regret what he had done to Shuichi. Would he really regret it for the rest of his life?

* * *

"Good work everyone!" K stated as we began packing up our equipment. "Please report to the stadium by three o'clock for sound checks and a final run-through of tonight's performance."

"I have an announcement to make." I said hoping my enthusiasm sounded genuine. "Kaemon and I are going to get married!"

Everyone froze in stunned silence. "Congratulations!" Suguru said snapping everyone out of their sudden bewilderment.

"Ah, yeah…congratulations," Hiro added hesitantly. He waited until Kaemon was distracted by Suguru and Sakano before quietly taking me aside.

"Isn't this just a little sudden?" He asked in concern. "What about Yuki? Now that he's come back…I mean…well, don't you even want to try to win him back?"

"How can you ask me that?" I hissed with aggravation. "You of all people know what kind of hell he's put me through. Why would I want to willingly go back to someone like that when I have someone like Kaemon?"

"Damn it Shu!" He quietly growled. "Just who do you think you're talking to? I'm your best friend. I know you too well! You will never love Kaemon the way you love Yuki!" Cautiously looking over his shoulder to make sure Kaemon was still busy, he added. "Should you be making such an important decision at this time?"

"Hiro," my voice waivered as a tear streaked silently down my cheek. "I met with Yuki yesterday. He…told me he…never cared about me. He said…I was nothing…but a plaything to him. He…he hates me!" I bit my lip and cursed silently to myself. I didn't want to cry and ruin this moment for Kaemon.

"I'm sorry…I didn't know." Hiro looked at him with a mixture of anger and sympathy on his face. He knew his friend was acting rashly, but he also understood how useless it would be to try to talk Shuichi out of his decision. "Have you decided on a date yet?"

"We were thinking about doing it over the holidays during the break in our tour." I looked at Hiro uncertainly. "I know you think this is a foolish decision, but please try to be happy for me."

At least they were going to wait a couple of months. "Alright Shu, you win." He reluctantly conceded. "I'll meet you at the stadium." Hiro said as he rushed purposely out of the room.

* * *

Hiro marched resolutely toward Yuki's apartment. This time he was really going to let him have it. Pounding on the door, Hiro seethed as he waited in the hallway.

Yuki abruptly yanked the door open. "What the h…" His retort was cut short by Hiro's fist slamming into his face.

"How could you be so cruel to him?" Hiro yelled as he shoved Yuki across the living room. "Do you have any idea how much he has suffered because of you?"

"Since when is my private life any concern of yours?" Yuki replied utilizing extraordinary restraint. He figured Hiro would confront him after the horrible way he had treated Shuichi.

"I warned you," Hiro continued unfazed, "what would happen if you hurt Shuichi again!" He threw a powerful right-cross at Yuki only to find himself in wide eyed shock face down on the floor with his arm wrenched painfully behind his back. "You bastard!" He screamed in impotent rage. "Why he still loves someone like you, I'll never understand. He's going to do something that he'll regret for the rest of his life, and it's all because of you!"

"You're assuming I still care about that annoying brat." Yuki grunted with the effort of keeping Hiro pinned to the ground.

"You really don't have a heart, do you?" Hiro panted wearily in defeat. "I thought Shuichi's decision to marry Kaemon was a mistake, but now I know he's making the right choice." Yuki suddenly released his arm and sat back in astonishment. Hiro gingerly massaged his wrist as he continued. "Although Shuichi will never love Kaemon the way he loves you, Kaemon loves Shuichi more than you could possibly imagine. I just hope Shuichi can let go of his love for you so they can have a happy life together." He slowly stood up and wordlessly walked out the door leaving a bewildered Yuki alone in his anguish.


	14. Hope

Disclaimer: The characters Yuu Waku and Jin Tatewaki are from a manga entitled Sweet Poison on Our Lips belonging to Mieko Koide. I wish I could take credit for them, but I can't! This is one of my favorite mangas and I couldn't resist giving these lovable characters a cameo!

* * *

_What am I doing?_ I wondered feeling depressed and confused. Now that I was alone, I allowed my tears to flow freely. Kaemon had gone back to our apartment to pack our clothes, and I was riding in N-G's limo to the Tokyo Dome. We're going to spend the weekend in Hawaii to relax before the start of Bad Luck's next tour. I knew I had to move on with my life, especially now knowing that I never meant anything to Yuki. In spite of everything, I still longed for him. _Why am I doing this? Yuki never cared for me! Most of the time I was with him he treated me like I was a nuisance, but there were times…_ I wrapped my arms around my ribs and began bawling in earnest.

All too soon, I realized that I'd arrived at the Tokyo Dome. There was already a large line of fans waiting for the concert. I slid down in my seat, but not before I'd been spotted. They all started screaming and waving at the limo as we made our way to the stage entrance. I quickly dried my tears in an attempt to pull myself together. _If Hiro finds out I've been crying, he'll probably give me a hard time again._ I walked briskly into the stadium and headed straight for our dressing room. As I rounded a corner, I accidently ran into K.

"Where do you think you're going?" Noticing the look on my face he added. "What's going on?"

"It's…nothing. I just need to wash my face." I lied hoping he would drop it and let me go.

"Don't tell me it's nothing! Clearly there's something wrong. I know your private life is none of my business, but this is a very important concert! Did you know that "Look Around" is second only to Nittle Grasper's latest single? If this concert is a success, "Look Around" might actually knock Nittle Grasper's single out of number one! I know you are having a tough time trying to deal with two lovers…"

"Wait a minute K! It's not like that…" I began to protest.

"Right now you need to focus on giving the fans your best performance." He continued undaunted. I suddenly found myself looking down the barrel of K's gun. "If you disappoint your fans, I'll permanently take you away from both of your lovers!"

"You wouldn't dare!" He cocked his gun. Swallowing hard I added, "at least you won't kill me until we've completed the tour."

"You've got a point. Maybe I should just eliminate one of your lovers for you!"

"NO! I'll do my best!" With renewed zeal, hurried to the stage no longer concerned about my appearance.

For the rest of the afternoon, I threw myself into the preparations for the concert. Hiro, Suguru and I rehearsed our set for the night. We meticulously worked on every fine detail until we were satisfied that everything would go smoothly. As we finished rehearsing, our guest performers approached the stage for their opportunity to rehearse. Somehow Sakano had pulled the right strings to arrange for Cross, the successful pop duo Yuu Waku and Jin Tatewaki to open for us.

Hiro and Suguru left to get something to eat. I wasn't hungry so I opted to stay and watch Yuu and Jin rehearse. Although they didn't overtly advertise that they were a couple, it was obvious they were in love. Ironically, they were a lot like Yuki and I. Much like me, Yuu was hyper, eager to please, and readily shows his emotions. Whereas Jin, like Yuki was much more reserved and somewhat aloof. I found myself envying them for being so happy. Unable to watch any longer, I retreated to our dressing room to prepare for our performance.

Borrowing Hiro's walkman, I began to listen to our first CD. It was kind of a ritual for me to listen to the songs I would be performing. Normally, I would envision my performance, but this time I just couldn't concentrate. When I listened to our first hit, it reminded me of the first time I met Yuki. I remembered how I'd stayed up all night writing it to prove myself to him. I took the CD out in frustration and replaced it with our newest CD. I was beginning to get into the music until "Look Around" began to play. I remembered how desperately I wanted to pour all of my feelings for Yuki into that song. I'd hoped I could pull them all out of my heart, but now I knew that was never going to happen. _Most of my heart will always belong to Yuki. I just hope that what's left will be enough for Kaemon._ I shook away those painful thoughts and tried to concentrate on my imagery. I knew I had to perform this song perfectly since it's probably the one the fans most want to hear.

Hiro and Suguru burst excitedly into the room. "It's incredible, Shu! The stadium is packed!" Hiro exclaimed enthusiastically.

"We'd better get ready. Cross is about to start their performance." Suguru announced.

As we changed into our stage clothes, Hiro noticed my pensive demeanor. "What's wrong?"

"It's nothing. I'm just nervous about tonight." I lied hoping it would be convincing enough for him.

"Alright, I get the hint." He replied giving me a pitying look.

It wasn't like Hiro to just give in like that. I wondered uneasily what he had done before coming to the stadium. We finished dressing in a constrained silence. While I applied my stage makeup and styled my hair, I tried in vain to psych myself up for our performance.

The stage manager timidly poked his head in the room. "You're on in five minutes. The crew almost has the stage ready for you."

I was completely overwhelmed by the size of the crowd as I waited off stage for the crew to finish.

"K told me this crowd is as large as the crowd at a Nittle Grasper concert!" Hiro explained. "You know what that means?" He grabbed my shoulders, "we've finally made it! 'Look Around' is seriously threatening Nittle Grasper's song as the number one single in Japan, and now we're pulling in the same number of people at our concert!"

As Hiro hugged me, the reality of his words drove all of the troubles from my mind and awakened my desire to perform. Smiling with anticipation I exclaimed, "let's go out there and sparkle!"

While Bad Luck was taking the stage, Yuki slipped stealthily through the labyrinth of equipment backstage. This would probably be the last time he would be able to see Shuichi. His heart ached as he watched his charismatic ex-lover performing one of Bad Luck's latest songs. He wondered once again if it would really be in Shuichi's best interest to stay with Kaemon. Hiro had said that although Shuichi was still in love with him, he was going to marry Kaemon. _But he didn't say when it would happen. __Is it possible that Shuichi would be planning to do it right away?_ Once again, Yuki cursed the little voice in his head that persuaded him to push Shuichi away.

The crowd began cheering wildly as Bad Luck finished another song. Before Suguru could get four bars into the next song, a deafening roar exploded from the crowd pulling Yuki out of his troubled contemplation. _This song…it's the same one from the video I saw a few nights ago._ Shuichi's performance on the video was extremely compelling, but watching him perform "Look Around" live was almost too much for Yuki to withstand. Most of the girls and a few of the guys in the audience were brought to tears by his poignant rendition. As the song ended, Shuichi turned in Yuki's direction momentarily. Ducking deeper into the shadows, Yuki was struck by Shuichi's sorrowful expression. It was obvious that he was struggling to keep from crying, but he managed to bury his pain quickly and jump enthusiastically into the next number.

Yuki had seen enough. He had already begun to regret his decision to come. Deep in his heart he knew that Shuichi's brokenhearted expression at the end of "Look Around" would haunt his dreams for a very long time. As he quietly turned to leave, he walked past two striking young men. Yuki realized that they were the performers who had opened the concert. The one of the men smiled warmly at him as he walked past.

As he maneuvered through the maze of hallways, Yuki began to question the logic of trying to slip out the back of the stadium unnoticed. Although he was a considerable distance from the stage, the muffled sound of Bad Luck's performance was still clearly audible. Yuki froze as he rounded a corner. K was in the hallway. Thankfully, he had been facing the opposite direction. Yuki pressed himself into the shadows and hoped that K wouldn't walk in his direction.

"I'm calling to confirm the airline reservations that were made this afternoon for Shuichi Shindou and Kaemon Aomori." K spoke loudly into his cell phone. "Yes, they will be traveling first class…Their flight leaves at 10:45 from gate 12b? Yes, thank you." He jotted this information down in a small note book and walked briskly back toward the stage.

Yuki exhaled in relief as K turned out of sight. _Shuichi and Kaemon must be getting married this weekend. They certainly aren't wasting any time!_ For the first time, Yuki truly lamented his break up with Shuichi. He stole out the stage entrance of the stadium and into the darkness with a heavy heart.

* * *

Thoroughly exhausted and drenched in sweat, I shuffled wearily with Hiro and Suguru to our dressing room. Although I enjoyed performing, I was glad the concert was finally over. All I wanted was a nice hot shower and a good night's sleep.

"Excuse me, Shindou-san…" Yuu trotted over to me. "I know you must be completely worn out after that terrific performance, but could I ask you a question?"

"Sure," turning to Hiro and Suguru I called out, "I'll catch up with you later." I looked curiously at Yuu. "What would you like to know?"

"Is it true…that you and Eiri Yuki…are no longer a couple?" Noting the mortified look on my face, he added, "I'm sorry. I guess I shouldn't have brought it up."

"No, it's alright." I assured him. "I should be used to it by now. Yuki and I are not a couple." A lump formed in my throat as I spoke those words for the first time out loud.

"That's interesting, because he was here earlier." Yuu looked a little confused. "I thought that maybe the two of you had gotten back together."

"Y…Yuki…was here!" I stammered in disbelief.

"Yes, and the way he was watching you..." His smile widened at my reaction. "Well, I was sure the two of you had gotten back together."

"What did you mean, when you said…'the way he was watching you?" I asked as my heart threatened to burst through my chest. "Just how was he watching me?"

"How should I phrase it?" Yuu thought for a moment. "He looked like he was longing for you…"


	15. Love

Yuki walked dejectedly through Central Park. He knew this place well. This area of the park was his favorite place when he was a kid. Following the meandering path, he paid little attention to all of the families enjoying the lovely, sunny day, until he came across a man and a young boy walking toward him. Although his hair was now jet black, there was no mistaking his mesmerizing violet eyes.

"Shuichi?" Yuki called out in surprise.

Shuichi gaped at Yuki in disbelief for a few moments. "Hello Yuki." Although he smiled at Yuki warmly, there was still a hint of sad desire in his eyes. They both shifted uncomfortably in the awkward silence that ensued, while the boy looked questioningly between both adults.

"I...really need to get going." Shuichi said apologetically. "We were on our way to pick Kaemon up."

As they walked away Yuki heard the boy say, "who was that man, daddy?"

"He used to be a close friend of mine." Shuichi answered regretfully. He turned at that moment and looked back at Yuki with the same sorrowful face he had after he sang "Look Around…"

Yuki awoke with a start. His rapidly beating heart felt like it would break at any second. Fatigued and frustrated, he got up and lit a cigarette. He had tossed and turned during most of the night, and when he finally was able to sleep, he couldn't stop dreaming about Shuichi. Looking at the clock Yuki noted that it was already ten thirty. Shuichi would be leaving with Kaemon in fifteen minutes. Hastily getting dressed, Yuki strode out of his apartment. He needed some fresh air, and he desperately wanted to clear the disturbing images of his dreams out of his mind.

Taking his time, Yuki walked slowly through the park. He stopped in a small restaurant and had brunch. There wasn't much food in his apartment so he decided to go to the market and buy a few groceries. As he walked back through the park, he even watched some children playing baseball for a few minutes. Cursing silently to himself he wondered, _why am I playing around like this when I have so much work to do?_ Reluctantly, he headed back to his large, empty home.

Yuki walked listlessly to his apartment and opened the door. He stopped suddenly in his tracks in utter astonishment. Shuichi was curled up on his sofa sleeping. _This has got to be a dream!_ He looked longingly at his peaceful, sleeping face. _If I say something, will he suddenly vanish?_

"How did you..."Yuki asked completely dumbfounded.

I jumped off the sofa. "Oh, you're finally back!"

"You didn't answer my question. How did you get in here?" Yuki asked still unable to fathom the unlikely turn of events.

"Well...it seems your landlord's daughter is a Bad Luck fan. All I had to do was sign a couple of her posters and she let me in."

"Why the hell are you here?" He exclaimed louder than he'd intended.

_Well this is it! _"I…broke up with Kaemon last night." I began timidly. "He deserves to have someone who will be able to give him one hundred percent of their heart. I've finally admitted to myself that I can never be that person." I took a deep breath. "My heart has always belonged to you. Please Yuki, let me come back."

"Why should I?" He answered in an oddly constrained voice as he walked into the kitchen.

"You…you still don't want me?" I asked in a panic following him into the kitchen. "But last night…why did you come to the concert? Weren't you there to see me?"

"How did you…who told you I was there?" He angrily demanded.

"Yuu Waku said he saw you watching me backstage during the concert." I was instantly sorry I'd told him Yuu's name. He looked positively homicidal.

Yuki methodically put his groceries away as he desperately tried to calm the plethora of emotions that were striving for dominance. He was angry and embarrassed that someone had discovered him watching Shuichi. Some guilt over the way he'd hurt Shuichi still lingered, but what caused him the most distress was the love he felt for Shuichi and the fear that love engendered.

I watched Yuki with mounting trepidation. When Yuu told me how Yuki had been watching me, I desperately wanted to believe it was because he loved me. I became completely swept away by that overwhelming desire. Now, based on Yuki's reaction, I began to seriously wonder if I'd made a terrible mistake. After putting the final perishable away in the refrigerator, he turned and stared at me with haunted, afflicted eyes.

"If…I displease you to this extent…maybe… I should just leave." I looked into his tormented, golden eyes one last time before I turned and walked toward the door.

While looking into Shuichi's mournful, violet eyes, Yuki's heart was once again battling with the little voice inside his head. _Don't let him walk out of here again!_ His heart screamed, but the little voice in his head was urging Yuki to remain silent and let him go. _Shuichi is not like Kitazawa – he won't betray you! DON'T LET HIM LEAVE!!_

As I slowly walked through Yuki's apartment, I realized that this time I would have to pick up the pieces and move ahead alone. After I broke up with him, Kaemon left for New York. K had arranged for some friends of his to let Kaemon live with them until he was able to enroll at NYU. Loneliness threatened to overpower me as I reached out my hand to open the door and walk away from Yuki forever. Strong arms suddenly wrapped themselves around me.

"Don't leave!" Yuki whispered in my ear, and then I swore I heard him mumble…"I love you!"

I twisted myself around to face him. "Yuki I…" He placed a finger on my lips to shut me up and then he kissed me so passionately it made my toes curl. Throwing my arms around his neck, I hungrily kissed the lips I'd been craving for so long. While we slowly undressed each other, our kisses became more urgent. We teased and caressed each other until the moment we finally became one…

* * *

We made love several times throughout the afternoon and evening. After being apart for so long, we just couldn't satisfy the hunger that we both had been suppressing. Lounging on the sofa, I dreamily gazed at Yuki as he smoked a cigarette.

I stretched lazily and let out a contented sigh. "I've really missed you."

Yuki stiffened a little.

"So all this time…have you really…been in love with me?" I timidly asked hoping to hear him say it again.

"What are you talking about?" He asked defensively. "I never said I'm in love with you!"

"Yes you did! You said it after you asked me not to leave!"

"I...no I didn't!" He stammered. "It's just wishful thinking on your part."

_He's embarrassed!_ "Why are you getting so upset if it didn't really happen?" I playfully asked him.

"That's it!" He announced angrily getting up. "I've had enough. I'm going to bed."

"W…wait a minute!" I jumped up and scampered after him. "Hey, Yuki! Wait!

He slammed the bedroom door in my face and locked me out.

"Yuki! I'm sorry. Please let me come in."

"…"

"Yuki!..Bad Luck is going on tour again. I'll be leaving Monday morning. So…so I won't…be able to see you…for a long time… Please let me in! I want to spend as much time with you as I can."

"…"

"I'll be cold out here all by myself," I whined in defeat.

"…"

As I dejectedly turned to go into the living room, the door abruptly opened.

"Shut up and get in here…"

* * *

One year later – Kaemon Aomori's dorm room, NYU

Stretching the stiffness out of my shoulders, I saved the term paper I'd been working on all night. I decided I deserved a break so I pulled up my favorite Bad Luck fan site to see what Shuichi was doing. I knew I shouldn't do it, but I couldn't help myself. It was the only way I could "keep in touch" with him. After all, it would be awkward for Shuichi to get a letter or a call from his ex-lover. I felt a twinge of pain when I saw the date on the top of the page. It was exactly a year ago today that Shuichi left me to go back to Yuki. Trying to ignore my sorrow, I began scanning the page. A large lump formed in my throat and I struggled to swallow it down. Someone had posted some pictures of what looked like Yuki and Shuichi's vacation. There were three successive pictures that looked like they'd been taken surreptitiously from a long distance. In the first, they were in pre-kiss; they were kissing in the second, and the third was taken not long after their lips parted. Whoever had posted the pictures had taken great lengths to enlarge and clean up the last photo. It wasn't hard to understand why, because the look on Shuichi's face was pure bliss making him look even more dazzling than normal. Weeping bitterly I realized he had never looked at me with such happiness and love.

"Kaemon, are you alright?" My roommate Andrew asked his voice laced with concern. He rolled out of bed yawning and running his fingers through his tousled red hair. Noting the despondent look on my face he asked, "are you reading about Shuichi again?"

"Yeah, apparently he and Yuki went on vacation last week."

"Why do you torment yourself like this?" He put his hands on my shoulders as he leaned in to look at the article I'd been reading. "He certainly looks happy."

"I've never seen him look happier." I reluctantly admitted.

"Don't you think he'd want you to be happy as well?" he whispered in my ear sending tingles throughout my body. He swiveled the chair around so that I was facing him. Pulling me into his arms, he embraced me fiercely. "I love you, Kaemon! I hate to see you hurting like this. I know you'll never stop loving Shuichi, but please let me love you. I know I can make you happy if you'll just give me the chance!"

I was shocked to hear Andrew confess his love to me almost exactly the same way I'd confessed my love to Shuichi so long ago. I wrapped my arms around him and looked into his intense green eyes. It felt so good to be held like this again. Maybe I would come to love Andrew the way Shuichi had come to love me. I gave in to the heat of the moment and kissed his exquisite full lips. As his hands began caressing my body, I allowed my heart to let go of Shuichi and fully embrace my new lover.

* * *

Well that's that! I hope everyone has enjoyed "Look Around." I'm currently working on a sequel to this story (as of today, I'm about 2 1/2 chapters into it). BTW, for all of you, who enjoyed reading about Yuki's suffering, I plan on making him suffer even more in this next story!


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